dealing with the unexpected

One thing that I have continued to have to deal with is the unexpected.  The unexpected changes in what my body does.  The unexpected changes in feeling throughout my leg.  The unexpected makes it place known not just within my body but throughout my life too.  The unexpected deadline that is given 24 hours ahead of time.  The unexpected reaction from a student.  The unexpected expectation given for an event.  Not to mention personal life.  

For those that know me well, I like to plan things out.  I like to be organized and I know what I am doing at least a few hours ahead of time.  Crossfit drives me nuts.  ( and I love Crossfit...just not the unknown part!)  I don't know what the workout will be until an hour ahead of the workout...if i get up and look early.  otherwise I don't know until I get to the box, that doesn't work well for me.  I also don't like not knowing what modifications I'm going to have to do.  the unknown and unexpected is scary and not my fave.

So much of my daily life deals with the unexpected.  No matter how much I plan, how much I'm organized, how much I prepare, my students will not react the way I want them to.  My body will not react the way I want it to.  sometimes, the unexpected is good.  Sometimes, the unexpected is an outstanding surprise.  I can always hope.  but I'm learning to deal with it.  I'm learning to hide the anxiety and stress it causes me.  I'm learning to figure out what is important about being so organized and planned out.  Some of the best times recently have come spur of the moment and unplanned.  I just need to let go and let thing happen as they happen.  It's just a struggle.  I want to control what I can.  I lost so much control over my own life a year ago.  I couldn't control my body.  I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do.  I couldn't live on my own.  So my reaction to losing all control over everything was to over control what I could.  I recorded every med I took every time...even tylenol.  I over planned when I was to do what I wanted to.  I'm hopeful that as time goes on and I have control back over so many things that I can now start to let go a little and relax about what I'm doing.  (hasn't happened yet!)  

I'm just beginning to see how much the loss of control has affected me long term.  I think it's part of the reason I like being a teacher...I am the one in control in the classroom...to an extent.  Yes the kids guide the instruction and the attitude of the day but I'm the one in charge.  I'm responsible for what is or isn't happening in my classroom.  

The whole life challenge has helped me control with accountability what I am doing and when.  It has helped me to organize my life and make myself feel more in control... even when I'm really not.  

I want to control as much as I can but the unexpected always gets in the way.  The unexpected feeling.  the unexpected emotion.  the unexpected reality that is life.  

hard work?!?

A comment was made to me today while I was working out in the pool.  A therapist that I had seen multiple times throughout recovery and I were just chatting.  (He wasn't one of my PT's but I tend to talk to everyone ;) )  We revisited what happened and what I was working on in the pool.  He looked surprised after hearing abut cauda equina syndrome and how well I was actually moving around.  Then he was even more surprised hearing it's only been a year.  His comment was it must have taken a lot of hard work to get back to where I am. 

Looking back, I don't see it as a lot of hard work.  I don't remember putting hard work in.  I know that I put work and effort in but don't really look at it as hard work.   Maybe my definition of hard work is different than everyone else's.  Yes, I've put a lot of work in.  Yes, originally I couldn't do a lot of things.  I couldn't walk without a walker.  I couldn't do stairs by myself.  I couldn't walk in the pool without holding onto the railing.  Just because I couldn't do it then didn't mean I wasn't going to do it some day.  I just kept working and trying it every day.  I'm sure I put a lot of hours in but it wasn't hard.  At least I didn't classify it as hard.  I saw it was necessary.  I had to be doing something.  I couldn't just sit there and hope I would heal.  I had to do something.  I had to be active (as much as I could).  Did I push myself?  Yes.  Did I expect my PT's to push me?  Yes!    

Looking back it wasn't hard,  it was what it was.  I didn't know any other way to go about it.

Looking back, I was positive about everything.  What other option was there?  People are surprised by how positive I stayed throughout the whole process.  Even those that got my little bit of negativity here and there because there were definitely days that I was negative, comment about how positive I stayed.  

Again.  It was what it was.  I didn't know any other way to go about it.  I couldn't change what happened.  I couldn't change how my body was reacting.  I couldn't change anything.  I had to accept and keep going.  so  I did.  and I still am.  

I now know what it feels like to be old and arthritic.  cold weather is no fun.  but the workout in the warm water pool feels great.  so guess what...I'll be spending a lot of time in the warm water pool this winter :)  

one year.

One year.  It’s been one full year since surgery.  At that point, I never even looked forward a year, never thought about what a year out would look like.  I was more worried about the now.  What is happening today.  What will happen tomorrow.  What will happen next.  I’m excited that it’s been a full year.  I’m excited that I’m continuing to move forward.  I’m proud of the work I’ve put in, Proud of the way I’ve dealt with all the challenges, proud of the person I am becoming.  Life has definitely changed over the last year and continues to change going forward but hopefully I have developed coping mechanisms to cope with the challenges ahead.

I’ve learned a lot in a year.  I’ve learned a lot about myself, my friends, my family.  I never thought of the ways things would turn out or the things that would change. 

5:30 peeps- Thank you.  You each have been there in many different ways and have been there as a collective group.  I never thought I’d rely on your friendships the way I do.  You have become sources of calm, strength, patience, laughter, and you pick me up on a regular basis.  Thank you for letting me be part of the group and for becoming an important part of my life.  Never could I have predicted the way our friendships have grown and become what they are today.

Coach- You put up with my whining, you put up with having to change just about everything for me, and you never complain!  Thanks for being there to make sure I don’t hurt myself, I try new things, and I continue to get a good workout.  Thank you for your friendship!  Not to mention the number of times I come in not in peak condition to workout.  You steadfastly continue to work on me to make better life choices and I appreciate the time, effort, energy and friendship.

L- Thank you for giving me the gift of feeling again.  For reminding me that I am a complete person and I get to live life and not just live in the post surgery mindset.  Thank you for your reminders that life does not revolve around what my back and surgery made me go through...keep reminding me!

To my doctor…wow.  Never thought you’d get what you got when you took me on as a patient!  I hope you know how much of a difference you have made through this process and in my life.  You answer every question (small, huge, odd, dumb, awkward, and just plain off the wall) with never making me feel dumb for not knowing the answer.  You set an example of the importance of doing things for me while working at balancing everything else.  I appreciate your knowledge, your patience, your support and your friendship! 

J and H-  You continue to deal with me and our friendships have lasted the test of time.  You’ve been there to take me out when I couldn’t walk, to give me a break, and to just listen.  Thank you for just being yourselves and loving me for being me!

C- we’ve been through a lot over the years.  Never did I think we would get to the point of both of us being out at the same time and relying on each other to struggle the absence of work.  I appreciate your help on a regular basis, your willingness to do the silly, the goofy, and the difficult whenever we need to.  You make my daily life a little easier each and every day.  Thank you for letting me not be the strong one all the time.

J- we may be apart by distance but you've stood by my side more times than I can count through this last year.  Thank you for being there.  Thank you for being you, it wouldn't be the same without you!

So many people have been there through the last year.  So many prayers have been said.  So many cards have been sent.  So much support.  Overwhelming for someone not used to having to receive the support but used to giving it. 

I'm beginning to look at my surgery as a gift.  A gift that nobody wants but everyone benefits from.  I feel that I look at life a little differently and value people and experiences more than things.  I want to be there for others the way they were there for me.  For friends to come visit in the hospital more than once even though their busy lives were full without the added time meant more than they know.  The cards that poured in meant more than people know.  A reminder to me on how important life is and it doesn't have to be major things to cause us mindfulness about others.

sharing of myself

I'm normally a pretty private person.  or so I used to be.  I'm totally a person that 'talks' through things with different people.  Many people are there for me in many different ways.  I rely on lots of perspectives and advice from those around me.  I process things in one of two ways.  I talk it out.  My feelings, my thoughts, my understandings.  or I totally internalize it.  Not a word slips out.  No sharing no openess no outside opinion.

As I've gone through this last year of surgery, recovery, healing, etc I've begun to open myself more and more.  I've begun to share more of myself without that ridiculous fear of regret or reproach.  As it was recently my birthday, I wanted to look forward to this year and make it a year of opportunity.  A year of experience.  A year of growing.  In reality, my birthday doesn't seem near as important in life as my one year anniversary of surgery is.  Surgery anniversary is when I really looked at life differently.  I had the fear of major life change that I had no control over.  That I might not be 'normal' ever again.  That would I have to change my life majorly and without control.  Luckily, I am very fortunate.  I'd be considered a success story for most of the medical community.  I'm not happy with that though.  I want to be a success story to myself.  I want to be back to 'normal'.  I want my life back and do what I want to do when I want to do it.  I don't want the nagging fear that I'm going to do something to hurt myself.  That fear is starting to fade but it's still in the back of my mind.  What happens when I move wrong?  How can I hurt myself again?  Can I make my challenges worse?

I want to share my thinking.  I want to share my fears.  I want to share my life.  
Thank you to those who listen now.  Thank you to those who accept me now.  Thank you to those who are there now.  Thank you to those who pick me up when I am down.  Thank you to those who are not afraid of my tears.  my fears.  my stresses.  

meaning of family

Twice now, I’ve been told by family members that I am an inspiration to them.  That my continued patience and hard work has been inspiring.  How else would I actually deal with this?  What did they expect?  Of course I will keep working.  Of course I will keep doing what I need to do to make myself better than I was the day before.  I want my movement back.  I want my normal back.  Did they expect me to curl up in a ball and cry?  (Granted there have been a few of those days…but my friends have picked me up, dusted me off, and snapped me back to reality.)  Yes it is a time commitment.  Yes it is reprioritizing what’s important.  Yes it is difficult.  I don’t know what other option there would be though.  This is how I face life.  Bull by horns, what I need to do is what I do. 

My mother hurt her knee two months ago.  She’s still dealing with limited movement and having to do PT exercises.  And yes, she’s tired of it.  But she told me that I am her inspiration as I am 11 months since surgery…give or take a little and I’m still willing to put the work in.  I’m still making the time to do pool work.  I’m still positive and finding the time to rest my body while still working, spending time with family, spending time with friends, and doing what I want to.  She said if you can do it the therapy work this long, I can keep going.  Would I have ever thought that I would be an inspiration to my own mother?  That this is experience would give her inspiration?  That the stress and frustration of all that has happened in the last year would lead to inspiration?  Never. 

Getting a text message late one night saying “You’re an inspiration to me and I don’t know if I ever told you.  Your attitude in your recovery alone gives me something to aspire to!” was soul shocking and emotional for me.  While I’m close with my family, these are not normal kinds of things we say.  I didn’t know how to respond.  That text struck me as an affirmation for the attitude and work I’ve put in.  It gave me the confidence that he would always have my back.  That if I needed him, he’d be there.  Still shocking to think that my family thinks that about each other. 

How do I let them know how much I needed them and they were there?  How do I say thank you without it being awkward and uncomfortable?  I lean on my friends more than on my family or so I thought.  This shows me that I lean on my family more than I realized and we are important to each other.

an important discovery

One week ago something very important happened.  Something I never expected to happen.  Something I put on the back burner for the time being or indefinitely.  It wasn’t important to me.  There was so much other more important things going on for me to worry about.  For me to wonder about it.  For me to focus on.  Needless to say, I was not expecting what happened.  I was not expecting this. 

In recovery, I had pelvic floor PT.  (yes, my pelvic floor took awhile to come back which meant some important functions took awhile to come back.  That’s what happens when you lose the ability to pee or poop.)  As my pelvic floor PT and I were talking, she talked about sexual function.  And in reality, I totally blew her off and said that’s so not important or a worry right now.  She looked a little surprised but let me blow it off.  Reality was, I still couldn’t pee…that was the worry.  Not if I’d feel anything again.  Self-cathing isn’t bad but it’s not much fun either.  (Yes, I know, Total overshare but I’m really good at the right now ;)  good news, bowel and bladder both came back. 

As the year has progressed, I’ve flirted but haven’t had anyone really spark that interest or interaction.  Too many other worries and not enough confidence to even think about dating, hanging out or anything else.  My body still sometimes feel foreign to me, doesn’t move the way I want it to, doesn’t react the way I expect it to etc.  If I’ve got all that going on, how on earth am I supposed to focus on a guy? 

Fast forward all summer.  Fast forward to a guy I’ve met before.  Fast forward to someone totally out of my league.  Fast forward to someone I’ve always loved to flirt with.  Fast forward to the interest being returned.  Fast forward to an amazing evening of interaction ;) 

All of sudden, I’m thrown off the back burner and back into the fire.  Let me tell you, my body works the way it is supposed to.  The fear of it not….the worry that something wouldn’t…the stress of loss of feeling…..yeah.  I can relax now.  Amazing the freedom it has given me this week.  Amazing the confidence it has given me.  I can be attractive and interesting to someone.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve gone through surgery.  It doesn’t matter that I experienced losing feeling.  It doesn’t matter that my I experienced incomplete paraplegia.  (Yes, scary words.)  I can be a whole person.  Never thought it would really matter.  Never thought I was as stressed over it as I was.  Never thought this guy would come out of the woodwork.  Never thought I was in his league.  And come to find out, I’m incredibly playful.  I’m incredibly flirty and totally inappropriate and I’m loving it!  A new side.  A side of me I never expected to come back, not to mention taking it farther than before. 

It’s time to branch out.  It’s time to be confident.  It’s time to get back to all parts of life.  It’s time to be thankful for what I’ve gone through, to be thankful for the people that have come into the crazy to lift me up, lend me a hand, and bring me back to my new normal.  It’s time to be me!

Things I Miss

I realize on a regular basis that there are little things and big things that I miss being able to do.  It's odd when some of them hit me and it's frustrating when something hit me.  It's just sorting things out into my new 'normal'.  Hopefully, I'll be able to do a lot of these things again or they will just become second nature to not even think about anymore.

1.  Sitting on a couch.  Seems simple...but I sit down and go OWWWW.  Then I have to grab a pillow or two to put behind me.  No more curling up without thinking.  I'm always hopeful that this will change, but I'm starting to think I'll always second guess sitting on a couch or comfy chair.

2. Running.  Now to understand that weirdness of this, I never liked to run.  Except in college when I used it to escape from roommates, stress, work, etc.  That was the only time I actually liked to run.  At night.  Across campus along the river.  Yes, not always the smartest safest thing to do... but it kept me sane...or at least mostly sane.  And there was no way my roommates would even think about running so it was me time.  BUT.  Now that I can't run currently, I miss it.  I want to run and can't.  I really think it's just because I can't.  I was starting to run again and it felt good.  It felt really good to move freely and actually run.  Then my leg/ankle/nerves started acting up more...or I felt them more.  Any way that you look at it, running doesn't work very well.

3.  Doing a complete work out.  Yes, I have accomplished some.  Yes, I have to modify EVERYTHING.  Yes, I'm at the point of being frustrated by it.  Even with modifications, my body couldn't handle doing the number of rounds I thought I could do today.  That's when it's frustrating.  That my body still just doesn't work the way I want it to.

4.  Having an internal temperature control.  Nowadays, I can't get warm or I can't cool off.  Or or or.  Needless to say, it's not much fun when I can't control the temperature of my body.

5.  Getting through a day without having to take a nap or feel like I need a nap.  i know it sounds awful, that I'm whining about taking naps.  But when you feel like you can't make it through a day without a nap, it's frustrating.  And when I do nap, I'll try to sleep for 30 min or 45 min and I shut the alarm off and sleep for 2+ hours.  That's frustrating.  But then I sleep all night too.  

6.  Feeling like I have no control over my own body.  Nerves are a pain.  Literally.  Nerves regenerating are a pain.  And they have a mind of their own.  And I have no clue when they are going to do whatever they want to do.  so these muscles will spasm, these toes will spasm, these muscles will twitch, those muscles will twitch, that ankle will feel like cement blocks hitting each other, and the list just goes on.  

7.  Wearing heels.  

a rough day

Change is not much fun.  In the last however long it's been, it seems like that's all that has come my way.  change at work, change at home, change at the gym, change in health, change in nerves, change change change.  Can you tell I really don't like change?

In reality, I don't think it's change that's the problem.  It's that change brings the unknown.  I really really really really don't like the unknown.  I like to over think everything.  I like to think of every possible response to every possible situation.  I also like to think that I know the way something will go.  (Ha Ha...I know it won't happen the way I think it should ;))  

We are at the start of a new school year.  EVERYTHING is changing this year.  new people.  new materials.  new ideas.  new kids.  nothing seems to be consistent.   nothing seems to be known.  i don't do well with this situation.  :(  

add in the unknown with my body and I'm just a royal mess.  I can hold it together for awhile in the group setting but trying to accomplish anything on top of that is just pointless.  Trying to make a decision after holding it together by the skin of my teeth all day long means that dinner is a disaster....cereal?  starbucks?  alcohol?  nope just forget to eat in general....that can happen one day....but 2 or 4 in a row isn't pretty.  

Today was a good day during the day.  Had to sit in training for all day long....but then the evening occurred.  Tried to figure out what is going on for tomorrow's meetings....that i should technically help lead, and I got no where and no understanding of what will happen tomorrow.  So now I feel unprepared, unorganized, and it's still unknown.  No matter how hard I tried to prepare...it just wasn't going to happen.  Add in debating on whether or not to start a new med for my stupid toes so maybe they won't hurt so much so often when I totally don't want a new med and I don't know how my body will react but also know my tolerance level is past the point of dealing.  

All in all, I'm just grouchy, frustrated, and afraid of the unknown.  and I'm surrounded by the unknown.

9 months and counting

It's hard to believe that it's been just over 9 months since surgery.  It's been a whirlwind journey and sadly, we're not even close to it being over :-/  

The positives:

~the friendships that have been made stronger through this process.  I don't know how I would have made it through without my core group.  I'm incredibly fortunate with the community surrounding me and my core group has grown and changed in ways I wouldn't have expected but it's been a source of strength and comfort for me.

~the amount I've learned about my own body and healing process.  I've learned to listen when something isn't right and I know when I need to do something about it.  I've learned how my body reacts to new things.  I've learned that sometimes I have to trust myself and just do it.  My body will work.

~the amount of time spent in the gym/pool/working out.  I've been more controlled in my workouts, I've been more dedicated, I've been more confident in what I'm doing.  I'm enjoying the group workout and making sure I work out independently to focus on myself and still work on rehab work as I don't want to lose what I've gained in control and work.

~I've got lots back in the way of movement, bending, working movement etc.  I can do way more than I expected to.  I'm back to working out and at a decent level for only being 9 months out.

~a doctor I trust.  One of the scariest parts of this process is the unknown.  and to have a doctor that I trust has made it easier.  He'll be honest, he'll listen, and he'll help.  Even when I'm worried about the little things or overwhelmed.  

~I've learned a lot.  About myself, my friends, my family.  

The Negatives:

~stupid nerves.  Nerves that are regenerating.  Nerves that we don't know when or what they'll do next.  FYI...Nerves back = pain.  new pain regularly.  unknown pain.  unknown issue.  feels like a guessing game most of the time.  How long can I deal with something til it's too much?  How often do I deal with something til it's past too much?

~unable to lift heavy.  Still can get a good workout.  Just can't do the weights I used to.  I can't and I won't and I have to accept that....sometime.

~scared to do too much, to hurt myself again. (that says it all)

~the unknown...this is one of the big ones.  the unknown.  This process of healing has a lot of unknown to it.  If it was just the spinal fusion surgery...it'd be a lot more known to.  The complication of Cauda Equina Syndrome makes it all unknown.  Makes it about the nerves and nerves are still so unknown.  So I deal with new symptoms til they drive me nuts.  But there is no step by step process to nerves.  I don't like the unknown.  

I have to keep looking at the positives or I get stuck in the negatives.  I get weighed down and stressed and forget to see what I've gained through all of this.  So the lesson is Look to the Positives.  

stepping outside my comfort zone

Ever get to the point were you do the same thing over and over again and never push your limit or see what you can actually do?  Of course this happens everywhere and in all parts of life.  Family time, work, friend time, workouts, etc.  I think everyone gets to this point at some point or another.  It just varies on when, where and how hard it hits.

Since it's summer....it's of course happening for me.  I have the time to think, to ponder, to worry, to recharge and to wonder about what I could actually be doing.  The place I'm most frustrated with is crossfit which makes no sense to me and seems really odd.  That's the point of crossfit, workouts are all different, moves change, style of work out changes etc.  So how am I so frustrated?  Part of it comes from recovery from surgery.  Yes we are almost 8 months (HOLY COW) since surgery but I still can't do everything I want to do....yes I know, I won't ever be able to do somethings again....but I am still limited on what I can do.  So I do a lot of the same movements, over and over and over again (or so it feels like right now).  

I love my friends at crossfit.  It's a great group of people, they help me to be a better person, they lift me up when I'm down, they listen when I need to talk, they let me grouchy when I'm grouchy.....I also know they are there are regardless of what I do.  They were a big reason I pushed to get back to crossfit as soon as I did after surgery.  I needed to be there, to be supported by them, to prove that it's not so bad I can come back.  I've been back for 3 months now and I feel like I'm in a rut.  I feel like I'm going, working out, not pushing myself, not doing as much as I can.  Since the group has been there since surgery, they know I have to be careful but I'm able to do a lot.  

I wonder how much of my frustration is because I don't know that I'm pushing myself as much  as I can.  How much is because I'm comfortable with my group I work out with and I don't have to push my limits.  I wonder if I'm going to work out just for the social aspect.  I've been thinking, why do I continue to crossfit.  I've made the friends, we're still friends outside the box.  Do I really need to crossfit?  Or is there something that would fit me better at this time?  (SEE...way too much time to think on my hands)  

So I'm taking the rest of the summer to challenge myself.  I'm not going to my normal class on a regular basis.  I need to rediscover why Crossfit works for me, what I like about it, Why I continue to do it.  I need to know that it's more than just the social aspect.  I need to know that I can step outside my comfort zone, I can workout with people that I don't know as well.  I can complete workouts and push my limits a little bit each day.  

my comfort zone...early morning workouts with the same strong group of friends.  It's time to push past the comfort zone, to push myself, to see what I can do...physically.  socially.  emotionally.  

confident? who me?!?

Throughout this whole series of events...injury, surgery, recovery, teaching, healing, trauma and drama at school, whole life challenge, etc I've learned something about myself.  Actually I'm sure that I've learned lots of things about myself but one thing is sticking out like a sore thumb and is somewhat of a surprise to me.  Maybe it's not a surprise to others but it is a difference in how I've been viewing myself. 

Confidence in myself is not a strong suit for me.  Never has been.  I've always doubted what I'm wearing, what I'm saying, what people are thinking about me, what my reaction to things are. etc.  Put me in front of a bunch of kids and I know what I'm doing and how to do it.  Put me in a group of adults and I have no clue about what I'm doing or how to do it.  I've been good at acting confident and acting like I know what's going on.  I've done that my whole life.  In reality, I'm always wondering what on earth I am doing, Why am I worrying about everything and why does it matter what other people think?

Not only am I noticing more confidence in myself, I'm noticing that I'm not as worried about what everyone else thinks about me.  I'm not overly concerned about what people will think of what I'm wearing, what I'm doing, or what I'm saying.  I am busy just being me.  10 months ago, put me at the gym and I'm in semi-fitted capris, lose t-shirts, etc.  Nothing real fitted.  Just maybe I'll try a fitted pair of capris to work out in, no way would you catch me in shorts, no way a fitted shirt.  Now, I don't worry about what I look like at the gym, either gym.  I wear what is clean and comfortable.  Some days it's fitted capri's and tanks.  Other days is long pants and long sleeves.  It doesn't matter what others think, it's what I want to wear.  

While I still deal with some anxiety about what what others are thinking about me, I try to not worry about it.  The worst is when it's a) a group of people where I'll know no one or b) a group of people that I know in one situation but am not sure how another situation will be.  There are few people who merge across of groups in my world for good reason :)  I like to keep things separate so I know how to act and what is expected of me.  Teachers will expect me to be one way, workout friends will expect another etc.  In reality, they are probably close to being the same but in my world, I like to keep my groups separate!

    

always something

It's always something....something something something.  Things come up, things happen, frustration occurs, stress levels rise....it's always something.  This year is no different except my body doesn't handle it as well as it used to.  I'm hoping that this isn't going to be my new normal...I might go crazy...and so will the people that are around me on a regular basis.  :)  

End of the year stress.... it seems so much worse this year... not sure if it really is or not but it sure seems worse!  Maybe I have less patience than normal?  who knows.  I just know the end of the year can't come soon enough, I can't find the time to get everything done, i need more sleep than I want to plan for and my body just plain reacts poorly to it all!  

Ever have a day where it feels like your body just hates you?  That's been the last week for me.  I know it's stress related...I just know it.  But seriously, enough is enough.  At least wait til I get through everything before rioting.  Hard to focus and get things done when everything hurts, cramps galore, misfiring nerves down the leg, throat burning, and nothing makes you feel better.  Sleep doesn't help.  Meds don't help.  nothing works.  It's always something.

All of this adds up to one grumpy teacher.  It's not fair to my kiddos to have a grumpy teacher for the last days of school.  It's not fair to me to be grumpy these last days of school.  It's not fair to my friends to deal with me as grumpy as I am.  

It's always something.  It's days/weeks/times like these that really make me realize how wonderful my friends are.  They come out and support, listen, spend the time, etc.  Even with me being the grumpiest, grouchiest, negative nancy, they still just listen and are just there.  Friends from life.  Friends from school.  Friends from the gym.  They all come out in support and make life bearable again.  

It's always something.  but at least I can see the good through all the bad.  

Inspiration

I have found that inspiration can come in the strangest ways and be found in the oddest places.  It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing, I am finding myself to be inspired lately and only when I need it the most.

When I started PT at the new place, the first trip to PT after being released from the hospital, I saw a student that just inspired me and it's stuck with me throughout all this time.  This student was a high school kid and he had lost part of his leg.  I never met him so I have no clue what his story was, but I saw him walk on his new leg for the first time.  He was so proud of being able to walk, yes he had a walker, yes he needed a wheelchair most of the time but he was walking on his two feet and had the best smile I had seen.  To see a high school who had obviously been through a lot medically, physically and not to mention mentally to be making that kind of progress and growth just inspired me to work my hardest in therapy and to keep my attitude up.

Being back at my Box (crossfit Gym) has been wonderful.  I have seen many people push through workouts, work hard and be proud of themselves.  However, one particular situation stands out to me and inspires me.  It was a birthday workout, (for those that don't know....it means crazy hard and lots of work).  Going into the workout we knew it would be tough.  We knew it was going to be crazy.  But for one, he was dreading it.  double unders.  a million box jumps.  etc etc etc.  As he worked through the workout, he never once gave up.  He wanted to.  He took breaks as needed.  I wasn't sure he'd make it through.  Gets to the point he can only do one rep at a time.  The time cap is coming and he still pushes through.  Finished the bulk of the workout, only the cashout is left.  More dreaded double unders.  (double unders are his nemesis at the gym).  Knowing how hard they are for him, how tired he is, he still pushes through.  Continues to jump.  Continues to persevere.  Most of us thought he'd time out.  The last few seconds, he drops his rope.  The coach looks at him incredulously.  Are you done?  with a big grin, yes.  To see that work ethic, the continued push, the constant drive through pain and discomfort.    That was the inspiration I needed to see.  Even though I'd be late the rest of the day, I had to see if he would make it.  I had to see him finish.  He did it.  He never gave up.  He pushed through pain, the frustration, the negativity of thinking I can't do these.  He showed me how to keep going no matter how bad it gets.  

Watching the lightbulb go on for one of my kids.  A student who's had difficulty with seemingly easy tasks.  A student who's had a rough time at home these last few months.  Just the attention of one on one time reading with her teacher has picked up so many skills and strategies.  Lightbulbs continue to go on for her and it's been so inspiring to see what things she can do now.  

Watching a friend make a lifealtering decision that not only affects her but all those around her.  Knowing that a major change was coming and making the choice for family first.  Making the choice for her father, for her son, for herself.  Knowing how hard a decision that was, I am inspired that family first.  There are days that can't be gotten back.  There are memories that would not have been made.  Hopefully, if I'm ever in that situation, I'll be able to make the choice that is not only right for me but right for my family and for me.

Inspiration can strike in some of the oddest places but it's always when I need the most.  When I'm frustrated, I'm negative, I'm down on myself because I can't do everything I want to.  Then a spark of inspiration pops up out of the blue.  

back at the gym...

I've been back at the gym for awhile.  Both gyms.  Yes, I now go to two different gyms.  One is a Crossfit Box and I'm so glad to be there.  The other is the gym I used for physical therapy and the pool.  On a really good day, I end up at both gyms...crossfit at 5:30 AM and the other around 6 at night.  Talk about stress reliever.....as crazy as it sounds, it's good for me.  Not sure how I'd be managing if it weren't both gyms.  

Crossfit gives me my 5:30 peeps!  and my coach.  ALL, incredibly important to me.  I thrive on the relationships I build around me and I really have built some strong relationships through Crossfit.  It also gives me a style of workout I wouldn't accomplish on my own.  I feel empowered and strong after working out at crossfit.  I am able to safely push my limits (with everyone keeping an eye on me and helping me when i need it).  I'm able to focus all my energy and thoughts on what I am doing and why I am doing it.  I have to pay attention so I don't hurt myself.  

My other gym gives me the solitary time to work through whatever's on my mind and heart.  I don't have to think when I'm walking the track, Jogging the track, riding a bike, swimming laps in the pool.  I can let whatever has stressed me out stew while I work out and work out an answer or two or three.  I focus strictly on cardio and rehab.  I still take the time for PT work, slow, controlled movement.  Strength and Balance.  I still push myself incredibly hard and wring my clothes out after a workout but it's at a different intensity, it's more focused on the movement.  I'm not looking to build relationships.  I'm not looking for a group to work out with.  I have that.  I'm solely looking for the improvement in my quality of life and being able to work on whatever is bothering me that week.  

Overall, it's a great attitude adjustment day when I work out at both gyms.  I'm normally calmer and ready to face the world.  I'm looking forward to this summer when I'm able to workout more consistently and I can use it to build a routine for myself.  I'm looking forward to a routine this summer.  

life can be chaos

That's what I've decided.  Life can just be chaos.  And I happen to be in the middle of it right now.  A few more weeks.  Then I'll get a break and hopefully things will calm down a little.  There are so many things that are out of my control right now and that doesn't work the greatest for me.  I don't have the patience to deal with what I can't control...however, right now, I have to deal with most things that I have no control over so it's been stressful, crazy, and just plain overwhelming.

If you know a teacher well...not just know them at school but know them outside of school, you'll know how absolutely crazy this time of year is.  Have to cram and teach as much as possible, grade everything, complete report cards, complete final cumulative files, start planning for next year, order all materials for next year, clean and organize and pack the room away, all in all....just chaos.  Not only do I have all that to do, I also have to plan summer school, recruit students, order all materials, cover all my bases etc.  Organize the teachers, class lists, etc.  Add to that list, we are in the hiring process for a new principal...yep, I'm on that too!  this year just seems to be way worse than most years.  I wonder how much of that is due to my recovery from massive surgery?  I'm still needing a lot of sleep each night...I'm trying to work out as much as possible (trying to keep myself as sane as I am normally) and it's just nuts.  Social life?  seems to be nonexistent this time around.  Which just frustrates me, I miss my friends.  I miss my 'normal' life.  

Add to the normal end of year stuff and my crazy end of year this year, I'm doing this challenge called the Whole Life Challenge.  Thought it was a great idea, great group of people doing it with me, totally didn't look at the timing.....  So in the midst of my craziness, I'm changing my lifestyle dramatically.  How dramatically?  EXTREMELY dramatically.  Used to be I'd be out for dinner/drinks 4-6 nights a week.... Dinner at 9 or so, no worries.  Drinks multiple nights multiple drinks.  It was my life :)  This challenge....cuts alcohol.  I'm doing fine with that.  I miss the socializing.  I don't miss the alcohol as much as I thought I might.  This challenge... cuts dairy.  LAttes?  I'm struggling with the lack of lattes.  and the sitting at starbucks drinking a latte and getting work done...several times a week.  (So...a benefit for my wallet...but still!)  Ice cream?!?  it's out the window!  This challenge also has me cooking....the last time I had cooked a meal was well before surgery.  Surgery was 6 months ago.  WELL before surgery.  Cooking for one person is not any fun.  But...the best part of this challenge is that I am able to control something in my life.  I'm able to control what I eat...Or what I cook.  I'm in control of when I cheat and when I don't.  I'm in control of when and what I do for a workout.  In my life of chaos right now, control is what I need and I'm thankful for having control over something!

6 months since surgery has come and gone.  6 month appt with surgeon went well.  full release.  Did not release how much I was worrying about healing and recovery.  Hearing the words from my surgeon, get back to living your life, don't need to see you again was a relief.  A weight lifted off my shoulders that I didn't even realize was as heavy as it was.  It's been an adventure these last 6 months and trust me I know, healing and recovery aren't done yet.  Still a long road ahead but comforting to know that the surgeon's pleased with everything.  

What's Next?

What's the next step in recovery?  How about trying to stay patient?  We all know that I don't have much patience....I think I've used what I do have up.... So I guess I just have to reach deeper and deeper and find some more.  It's getting harder and harder to find though.  So I try to focus on other things and not when things are returning or not returning to full feeling/ability.  

It just seems that when things start to become incredibly frustrating to me, things happen to everyone around me and I need to be the strong one for them.  Then I'm not focused on what isn't working the way I want it to.  But it reaches a point that I can't support others and still deal with my own issues...  

Everything has been absolutely crazy at work the last few weeks and I don't think it's going to get much prettier in the weeks ahead.  I've been remarkably calm and dealing with everything way better than even I expected.  It's time to pull together and make it work.  Make everything work.  Keep the ship afloat and heads above water.  At least I've been that way at work.  When I go home, it's a little different story.  However, I'm not stressed over it, just exhausted.

Utterly Exhausted.  Like tired enough I can't keep my eyes open driving home at 4 or 4:30 in the afternoon.  Needing a nap every day.  Feeling sick for 3 weeks.  Throat just stopped hurting and it starts all over again.  frustrating to say the least.  Guess I get to go to the doctor again....getting tired of going to doctor's office.  No answers.  Continued Fatigue.  Keep on trucking.  

I just want to find normal and if normal means I take a freaking nap everyday, then I guess I need to figure out how to do that....Just doesn't feel like that should be normal.  Just doesn't feel right.  How much is stress related....?  How much is my body doesn't handle stress the way it used to?  I used to thrive on stress for months on end....now a couple weeks and my body is revolting.  

New nerve pain....holy cow have I been lucky without even realizing how lucky!  This was my first real bout of nerve pain and it came out of the blue with no warning and no clue as to what triggered it.  All of a sudden my right toes felt like they had been crushed by something and had needles shooting through them from the top down.  Miserable feeling.  Couldn't get my toes to straighten or the shooting needles to stop.  Oh wait, did I mention this was in the middle of me teaching?  So I continue teaching....and take my show off....and my sock off....and press my toes into the cold metal bar on the bottom of the chair next to me.  Helped but not enough.  Sent a kid for an ice pak...when they came back I put it on my toes and had the kid sitting next to me put pressure on it with her foot.  We kept on working and it relieved the worst of the pain.  Quick thinking for what relief I could get :)  Crossing fingers that this doesn't continue.  It was needles on and off throughout the afternoon.  I would have gone crazy if I had been dealing with this kind of pain all the way through this, I'm incredibly lucky and it's days like today that I realize just how lucky I am.  Yes I'm exhausted, miserable with my throat hurting again, two days of nausea and a full day of the shakes....but I'm lucky because today's nerve pain was short lived.  And my doctor and my PT responded and dealt with me :)