9 months and counting

It's hard to believe that it's been just over 9 months since surgery.  It's been a whirlwind journey and sadly, we're not even close to it being over :-/  

The positives:

~the friendships that have been made stronger through this process.  I don't know how I would have made it through without my core group.  I'm incredibly fortunate with the community surrounding me and my core group has grown and changed in ways I wouldn't have expected but it's been a source of strength and comfort for me.

~the amount I've learned about my own body and healing process.  I've learned to listen when something isn't right and I know when I need to do something about it.  I've learned how my body reacts to new things.  I've learned that sometimes I have to trust myself and just do it.  My body will work.

~the amount of time spent in the gym/pool/working out.  I've been more controlled in my workouts, I've been more dedicated, I've been more confident in what I'm doing.  I'm enjoying the group workout and making sure I work out independently to focus on myself and still work on rehab work as I don't want to lose what I've gained in control and work.

~I've got lots back in the way of movement, bending, working movement etc.  I can do way more than I expected to.  I'm back to working out and at a decent level for only being 9 months out.

~a doctor I trust.  One of the scariest parts of this process is the unknown.  and to have a doctor that I trust has made it easier.  He'll be honest, he'll listen, and he'll help.  Even when I'm worried about the little things or overwhelmed.  

~I've learned a lot.  About myself, my friends, my family.  

The Negatives:

~stupid nerves.  Nerves that are regenerating.  Nerves that we don't know when or what they'll do next.  FYI...Nerves back = pain.  new pain regularly.  unknown pain.  unknown issue.  feels like a guessing game most of the time.  How long can I deal with something til it's too much?  How often do I deal with something til it's past too much?

~unable to lift heavy.  Still can get a good workout.  Just can't do the weights I used to.  I can't and I won't and I have to accept that....sometime.

~scared to do too much, to hurt myself again. (that says it all)

~the unknown...this is one of the big ones.  the unknown.  This process of healing has a lot of unknown to it.  If it was just the spinal fusion surgery...it'd be a lot more known to.  The complication of Cauda Equina Syndrome makes it all unknown.  Makes it about the nerves and nerves are still so unknown.  So I deal with new symptoms til they drive me nuts.  But there is no step by step process to nerves.  I don't like the unknown.  

I have to keep looking at the positives or I get stuck in the negatives.  I get weighed down and stressed and forget to see what I've gained through all of this.  So the lesson is Look to the Positives.