an important discovery

One week ago something very important happened.  Something I never expected to happen.  Something I put on the back burner for the time being or indefinitely.  It wasn’t important to me.  There was so much other more important things going on for me to worry about.  For me to wonder about it.  For me to focus on.  Needless to say, I was not expecting what happened.  I was not expecting this. 

In recovery, I had pelvic floor PT.  (yes, my pelvic floor took awhile to come back which meant some important functions took awhile to come back.  That’s what happens when you lose the ability to pee or poop.)  As my pelvic floor PT and I were talking, she talked about sexual function.  And in reality, I totally blew her off and said that’s so not important or a worry right now.  She looked a little surprised but let me blow it off.  Reality was, I still couldn’t pee…that was the worry.  Not if I’d feel anything again.  Self-cathing isn’t bad but it’s not much fun either.  (Yes, I know, Total overshare but I’m really good at the right now ;)  good news, bowel and bladder both came back. 

As the year has progressed, I’ve flirted but haven’t had anyone really spark that interest or interaction.  Too many other worries and not enough confidence to even think about dating, hanging out or anything else.  My body still sometimes feel foreign to me, doesn’t move the way I want it to, doesn’t react the way I expect it to etc.  If I’ve got all that going on, how on earth am I supposed to focus on a guy? 

Fast forward all summer.  Fast forward to a guy I’ve met before.  Fast forward to someone totally out of my league.  Fast forward to someone I’ve always loved to flirt with.  Fast forward to the interest being returned.  Fast forward to an amazing evening of interaction ;) 

All of sudden, I’m thrown off the back burner and back into the fire.  Let me tell you, my body works the way it is supposed to.  The fear of it not….the worry that something wouldn’t…the stress of loss of feeling…..yeah.  I can relax now.  Amazing the freedom it has given me this week.  Amazing the confidence it has given me.  I can be attractive and interesting to someone.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve gone through surgery.  It doesn’t matter that I experienced losing feeling.  It doesn’t matter that my I experienced incomplete paraplegia.  (Yes, scary words.)  I can be a whole person.  Never thought it would really matter.  Never thought I was as stressed over it as I was.  Never thought this guy would come out of the woodwork.  Never thought I was in his league.  And come to find out, I’m incredibly playful.  I’m incredibly flirty and totally inappropriate and I’m loving it!  A new side.  A side of me I never expected to come back, not to mention taking it farther than before. 

It’s time to branch out.  It’s time to be confident.  It’s time to get back to all parts of life.  It’s time to be thankful for what I’ve gone through, to be thankful for the people that have come into the crazy to lift me up, lend me a hand, and bring me back to my new normal.  It’s time to be me!