dealing with the unexpected

One thing that I have continued to have to deal with is the unexpected.  The unexpected changes in what my body does.  The unexpected changes in feeling throughout my leg.  The unexpected makes it place known not just within my body but throughout my life too.  The unexpected deadline that is given 24 hours ahead of time.  The unexpected reaction from a student.  The unexpected expectation given for an event.  Not to mention personal life.  

For those that know me well, I like to plan things out.  I like to be organized and I know what I am doing at least a few hours ahead of time.  Crossfit drives me nuts.  ( and I love Crossfit...just not the unknown part!)  I don't know what the workout will be until an hour ahead of the workout...if i get up and look early.  otherwise I don't know until I get to the box, that doesn't work well for me.  I also don't like not knowing what modifications I'm going to have to do.  the unknown and unexpected is scary and not my fave.

So much of my daily life deals with the unexpected.  No matter how much I plan, how much I'm organized, how much I prepare, my students will not react the way I want them to.  My body will not react the way I want it to.  sometimes, the unexpected is good.  Sometimes, the unexpected is an outstanding surprise.  I can always hope.  but I'm learning to deal with it.  I'm learning to hide the anxiety and stress it causes me.  I'm learning to figure out what is important about being so organized and planned out.  Some of the best times recently have come spur of the moment and unplanned.  I just need to let go and let thing happen as they happen.  It's just a struggle.  I want to control what I can.  I lost so much control over my own life a year ago.  I couldn't control my body.  I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do.  I couldn't live on my own.  So my reaction to losing all control over everything was to over control what I could.  I recorded every med I took every time...even tylenol.  I over planned when I was to do what I wanted to.  I'm hopeful that as time goes on and I have control back over so many things that I can now start to let go a little and relax about what I'm doing.  (hasn't happened yet!)  

I'm just beginning to see how much the loss of control has affected me long term.  I think it's part of the reason I like being a teacher...I am the one in control in the classroom...to an extent.  Yes the kids guide the instruction and the attitude of the day but I'm the one in charge.  I'm responsible for what is or isn't happening in my classroom.  

The whole life challenge has helped me control with accountability what I am doing and when.  It has helped me to organize my life and make myself feel more in control... even when I'm really not.  

I want to control as much as I can but the unexpected always gets in the way.  The unexpected feeling.  the unexpected emotion.  the unexpected reality that is life.