Fear. Frustration. Fatigue. Friendship.
Those words basically sum up my life for the last 3 or 4 weeks. It's been a long and crazy few weeks. These words share what's been in my head, on my mind, and the reality of my life.
Fear. as crazy as it sounds, the fear is really starting to hit hard. I'm almost to the 6 month mark. I know I know, nerves still come back after the 6 month mark. They still come back after the year mark. They still come back after that. BUT. living that knowledge is a lot harder. The Fear is sitting on the back of mind on a daily basis. Every time I walk, Every time I go down a set of stairs, Every time I sit down and drive, Every time I work out, Every time I lay down to relax, my ankle starts to bug me. It's stiff. It tingles. It's numb. It's something to bother me. What if this is the best it gets? Yes I'm lucky to be back as far as I am but I'm not back yet. I can't do a lot yet. There's still a lot to go for me to do everything I want to. I'm afraid of what can still happen in the future. I'm afraid to try things I've done forever because I'm not sure how my body will react. Wallballs. I'm afraid of them right now. For no good reason. But I am. I'm afraid that I'll get bad news at my next surgeon appointment. That xrays will show something going wrong. That the surgeon will be concerned about something. Who knows what, but something. That the numbness or tingly or anything I'm feeling won't be considered normal and will be a source of worry. That my appointment will get changed and I'll have to deal with the anxiety for another week. The Fear begins to overpower and I try to hide it. I try not to show that the fear is springing up. I don't like living in fear. I don't like the worry that something could be wrong. I don't like the fact that the nerve that always comes back without worry isn't back yet. I don't like the fact that I can't put weight on my right toes and I'm afraid I never will be able to again.
Frustration. I hit frustration in many parts of my life these few weeks. I'm frustrated with my job. I don't do change well....and the last few weeks have been straight up change without a chance of calm between changes. Frustration at watching a friend implode with being unable to help her. Frustration at students not acting to expectation. Frustration at feeling watched. Frustration at people not being open or honest. Frustration at trying to be the level one at work. Frustration at not being included in information but being expected know what's going on. Frustration when working out because I can't do everything I want to or I'm not mentally ready to. Frustration with so many things that are out of my control. There aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done that I need to. Or I'm not awake enough hours to get everything done....
Fatigue. Ever been so tired you literally can't keep your eyes open? Or you need to nap before you can eat dinner? Or you crash at 6 and sleep the whole night through? How do you get things done when all you want to do is sleep? It's hard to teach when you can't stop yawning long enough to read a sentence out loud. It's hard to stay focused and accomplish anything when all you want to do is take a nap. Fatigue has been ridiculous these last few weeks and of course I'm extremely fatigued when I have more than enough on my plate to get done. I sleep a lot, and don't feel rested. I nap almost daily so I can accomplish something in the evening. Ended up at the doctor's office due to it....no answers. Still napping. Still tired. Still trying to live life without letting the fatigue overrule everything.
Friendship. I think my friends are one of the few things getting me through these last few weeks. They've been there to go out and drink with, they've been there to listen to me whine and complain, they've complained right along with me, they've put up with my constant stream of texting and let me vent about everything all of the time. They've encouraged me to get it out and then to focus my energy differently. They've reminded me to change my attitude....attitude adjustment song is all I have to say.... I can't say thank you enough. I can't share how much I needed the outlets and was gifted the gift of friendship even while I was incredibly crabby and grouchy and negative. I've been able to be the friend to a friend in need. I've been the one to listen. I've been the one to share tears and hugs and laughter and joy. Friendship has been the blessing of the last few weeks. Without my friends....it would have been uglier than it's been.
The lovely four F's. Amazing to sum it all up in just four words. But they fit. They explain and they allowed me to survive. let's hope for some different words the next few weeks....some happier words.
No comments:
Post a Comment