I don't do change well. Anxiety hits. Sleep leaves. All I've had for 5 months is change. Change that was out of my control. Change that I didn't want and then change that didn't happen fast enough for me. Fast forward....In a period of three weeks.....grandfather deathly ill in the hospital, cousin's wedding, moving one grandparent to assisted living and the other to a nursing home, it was parent teacher conferences, one of my former high schoolers deathly ill in ICU, I had 27 report cards to assess for, grade, enter and print, I was released from PT, I went back to Crossfit, I moved back to my apartment and I got sick. So needless to say...change = stress = not much fun.
Let's look at the positive changes....
I returned to Crossfit. Not even 5 months after surgery and I am in a condition that I can return to the box. I can't do everything. I have to modify everything. But I'm back. I'm with my 530 peeps. I'm with my coach. I'm responsible for what I can and can't do. My normal is returning...in a new way. I knew how much I had missed the people but I hadn't realized how much I missed the style of workout and the just gutting through a tough one with people in the same situation. (working cardio on a bike or a track just sucks and isn't my ideal way to workout, if there was any doubt!) I'm not sure who it was more important to that I returned...
I moved to my apartment. New curtains. New furniture arrangement. New shelves. Less crap. Less clothes. Lots less stuff. Lots and Lots and Lots less stuff. Cleaning lady setup. It's been many weeks of work. Still many weeks to go til I throw a spring party. It will happen. I will host a party. at my apartment. (if you have no clue of the meaning behind this...be glad! and know you're welcome to come over too!) It doesn't matter what the stuff is, it's not important. I'm independent again. That's important. I can wear the clothes I have...they fit. Well, most of them fit...til I put on the jeans to wear and they were too big! A continued annoying problem...:)
I survived Parent Teacher Conferences. 28 scheduled. parents were so glad to see me back. As a side note, I had surgery the week after the previous parent teacher conferences....I missed a full 9 weeks + some. My students showed growth. I had good news for most parents at conferences. I have a great group of kids this year and am incredibly blessed! (if this had happened last year....it would have been ridiculously awful) Parents who can't handle being in a conference together for years finally came in together...not just one family but two! Amazing!! Parent Teacher conferences were just LONG and tiring...but good attendance and good conversations with my families.
Throw into the middle of conferences a former high schooler of mine is in ICU fighting for his life. He's been mine since he was in middle school (he turned 22 while in the hospital) and he always comes back when he needs to. Just rocks the sense of normal when someone you love is fighting for their life and they shouldn't have to. He's faced enough challenges in his life to last anyones lifetime and he just keeps fighting. He's touched a lot of lives and will continue to touch lives as he fights through this challenge. Love you kid!
It's the calm weeks that follow the busy ones that I get sick. Then I have downtime and start asking questions that I don't have answers for. I start wondering what will end up happening with my healing. I start worrying that I won't get everything back. (ever try going down stairs heel first? not much fun) Every time I am quiet or not rushing around, the questions start forming. Driving is another time that questions just start running. The problem is there are no real answers. There's best case scenarios, there's likelihoods, there's no step by step concrete answers. I don't do well with unknown. This has been part of the challenge of this injury and healing process. From the get go, there were no certainties and I'm sure that I asked some nonsense questions at the time but it's what mattered then.
I'm looking forward. I'm looking towards being 'normal'... granted normal won't be like it was. I wish I had the answers and a plan to what this all will look like. I don't. I won't. I'll continue moving forward and praying for best case scenarios and recovery.
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