What's the next step in recovery? How about trying to stay patient? We all know that I don't have much patience....I think I've used what I do have up.... So I guess I just have to reach deeper and deeper and find some more. It's getting harder and harder to find though. So I try to focus on other things and not when things are returning or not returning to full feeling/ability.
It just seems that when things start to become incredibly frustrating to me, things happen to everyone around me and I need to be the strong one for them. Then I'm not focused on what isn't working the way I want it to. But it reaches a point that I can't support others and still deal with my own issues...
Everything has been absolutely crazy at work the last few weeks and I don't think it's going to get much prettier in the weeks ahead. I've been remarkably calm and dealing with everything way better than even I expected. It's time to pull together and make it work. Make everything work. Keep the ship afloat and heads above water. At least I've been that way at work. When I go home, it's a little different story. However, I'm not stressed over it, just exhausted.
Utterly Exhausted. Like tired enough I can't keep my eyes open driving home at 4 or 4:30 in the afternoon. Needing a nap every day. Feeling sick for 3 weeks. Throat just stopped hurting and it starts all over again. frustrating to say the least. Guess I get to go to the doctor again....getting tired of going to doctor's office. No answers. Continued Fatigue. Keep on trucking.
I just want to find normal and if normal means I take a freaking nap everyday, then I guess I need to figure out how to do that....Just doesn't feel like that should be normal. Just doesn't feel right. How much is stress related....? How much is my body doesn't handle stress the way it used to? I used to thrive on stress for months on end....now a couple weeks and my body is revolting.
New nerve pain....holy cow have I been lucky without even realizing how lucky! This was my first real bout of nerve pain and it came out of the blue with no warning and no clue as to what triggered it. All of a sudden my right toes felt like they had been crushed by something and had needles shooting through them from the top down. Miserable feeling. Couldn't get my toes to straighten or the shooting needles to stop. Oh wait, did I mention this was in the middle of me teaching? So I continue teaching....and take my show off....and my sock off....and press my toes into the cold metal bar on the bottom of the chair next to me. Helped but not enough. Sent a kid for an ice pak...when they came back I put it on my toes and had the kid sitting next to me put pressure on it with her foot. We kept on working and it relieved the worst of the pain. Quick thinking for what relief I could get :) Crossing fingers that this doesn't continue. It was needles on and off throughout the afternoon. I would have gone crazy if I had been dealing with this kind of pain all the way through this, I'm incredibly lucky and it's days like today that I realize just how lucky I am. Yes I'm exhausted, miserable with my throat hurting again, two days of nausea and a full day of the shakes....but I'm lucky because today's nerve pain was short lived. And my doctor and my PT responded and dealt with me :)
Monday, April 28, 2014
Saturday, April 26, 2014
The Four F Words.
Fear. Frustration. Fatigue. Friendship.
Those words basically sum up my life for the last 3 or 4 weeks. It's been a long and crazy few weeks. These words share what's been in my head, on my mind, and the reality of my life.
Fear. as crazy as it sounds, the fear is really starting to hit hard. I'm almost to the 6 month mark. I know I know, nerves still come back after the 6 month mark. They still come back after the year mark. They still come back after that. BUT. living that knowledge is a lot harder. The Fear is sitting on the back of mind on a daily basis. Every time I walk, Every time I go down a set of stairs, Every time I sit down and drive, Every time I work out, Every time I lay down to relax, my ankle starts to bug me. It's stiff. It tingles. It's numb. It's something to bother me. What if this is the best it gets? Yes I'm lucky to be back as far as I am but I'm not back yet. I can't do a lot yet. There's still a lot to go for me to do everything I want to. I'm afraid of what can still happen in the future. I'm afraid to try things I've done forever because I'm not sure how my body will react. Wallballs. I'm afraid of them right now. For no good reason. But I am. I'm afraid that I'll get bad news at my next surgeon appointment. That xrays will show something going wrong. That the surgeon will be concerned about something. Who knows what, but something. That the numbness or tingly or anything I'm feeling won't be considered normal and will be a source of worry. That my appointment will get changed and I'll have to deal with the anxiety for another week. The Fear begins to overpower and I try to hide it. I try not to show that the fear is springing up. I don't like living in fear. I don't like the worry that something could be wrong. I don't like the fact that the nerve that always comes back without worry isn't back yet. I don't like the fact that I can't put weight on my right toes and I'm afraid I never will be able to again.
Frustration. I hit frustration in many parts of my life these few weeks. I'm frustrated with my job. I don't do change well....and the last few weeks have been straight up change without a chance of calm between changes. Frustration at watching a friend implode with being unable to help her. Frustration at students not acting to expectation. Frustration at feeling watched. Frustration at people not being open or honest. Frustration at trying to be the level one at work. Frustration at not being included in information but being expected know what's going on. Frustration when working out because I can't do everything I want to or I'm not mentally ready to. Frustration with so many things that are out of my control. There aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done that I need to. Or I'm not awake enough hours to get everything done....
Fatigue. Ever been so tired you literally can't keep your eyes open? Or you need to nap before you can eat dinner? Or you crash at 6 and sleep the whole night through? How do you get things done when all you want to do is sleep? It's hard to teach when you can't stop yawning long enough to read a sentence out loud. It's hard to stay focused and accomplish anything when all you want to do is take a nap. Fatigue has been ridiculous these last few weeks and of course I'm extremely fatigued when I have more than enough on my plate to get done. I sleep a lot, and don't feel rested. I nap almost daily so I can accomplish something in the evening. Ended up at the doctor's office due to it....no answers. Still napping. Still tired. Still trying to live life without letting the fatigue overrule everything.
Friendship. I think my friends are one of the few things getting me through these last few weeks. They've been there to go out and drink with, they've been there to listen to me whine and complain, they've complained right along with me, they've put up with my constant stream of texting and let me vent about everything all of the time. They've encouraged me to get it out and then to focus my energy differently. They've reminded me to change my attitude....attitude adjustment song is all I have to say.... I can't say thank you enough. I can't share how much I needed the outlets and was gifted the gift of friendship even while I was incredibly crabby and grouchy and negative. I've been able to be the friend to a friend in need. I've been the one to listen. I've been the one to share tears and hugs and laughter and joy. Friendship has been the blessing of the last few weeks. Without my friends....it would have been uglier than it's been.
The lovely four F's. Amazing to sum it all up in just four words. But they fit. They explain and they allowed me to survive. let's hope for some different words the next few weeks....some happier words.
Those words basically sum up my life for the last 3 or 4 weeks. It's been a long and crazy few weeks. These words share what's been in my head, on my mind, and the reality of my life.
Fear. as crazy as it sounds, the fear is really starting to hit hard. I'm almost to the 6 month mark. I know I know, nerves still come back after the 6 month mark. They still come back after the year mark. They still come back after that. BUT. living that knowledge is a lot harder. The Fear is sitting on the back of mind on a daily basis. Every time I walk, Every time I go down a set of stairs, Every time I sit down and drive, Every time I work out, Every time I lay down to relax, my ankle starts to bug me. It's stiff. It tingles. It's numb. It's something to bother me. What if this is the best it gets? Yes I'm lucky to be back as far as I am but I'm not back yet. I can't do a lot yet. There's still a lot to go for me to do everything I want to. I'm afraid of what can still happen in the future. I'm afraid to try things I've done forever because I'm not sure how my body will react. Wallballs. I'm afraid of them right now. For no good reason. But I am. I'm afraid that I'll get bad news at my next surgeon appointment. That xrays will show something going wrong. That the surgeon will be concerned about something. Who knows what, but something. That the numbness or tingly or anything I'm feeling won't be considered normal and will be a source of worry. That my appointment will get changed and I'll have to deal with the anxiety for another week. The Fear begins to overpower and I try to hide it. I try not to show that the fear is springing up. I don't like living in fear. I don't like the worry that something could be wrong. I don't like the fact that the nerve that always comes back without worry isn't back yet. I don't like the fact that I can't put weight on my right toes and I'm afraid I never will be able to again.
Frustration. I hit frustration in many parts of my life these few weeks. I'm frustrated with my job. I don't do change well....and the last few weeks have been straight up change without a chance of calm between changes. Frustration at watching a friend implode with being unable to help her. Frustration at students not acting to expectation. Frustration at feeling watched. Frustration at people not being open or honest. Frustration at trying to be the level one at work. Frustration at not being included in information but being expected know what's going on. Frustration when working out because I can't do everything I want to or I'm not mentally ready to. Frustration with so many things that are out of my control. There aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done that I need to. Or I'm not awake enough hours to get everything done....
Fatigue. Ever been so tired you literally can't keep your eyes open? Or you need to nap before you can eat dinner? Or you crash at 6 and sleep the whole night through? How do you get things done when all you want to do is sleep? It's hard to teach when you can't stop yawning long enough to read a sentence out loud. It's hard to stay focused and accomplish anything when all you want to do is take a nap. Fatigue has been ridiculous these last few weeks and of course I'm extremely fatigued when I have more than enough on my plate to get done. I sleep a lot, and don't feel rested. I nap almost daily so I can accomplish something in the evening. Ended up at the doctor's office due to it....no answers. Still napping. Still tired. Still trying to live life without letting the fatigue overrule everything.
Friendship. I think my friends are one of the few things getting me through these last few weeks. They've been there to go out and drink with, they've been there to listen to me whine and complain, they've complained right along with me, they've put up with my constant stream of texting and let me vent about everything all of the time. They've encouraged me to get it out and then to focus my energy differently. They've reminded me to change my attitude....attitude adjustment song is all I have to say.... I can't say thank you enough. I can't share how much I needed the outlets and was gifted the gift of friendship even while I was incredibly crabby and grouchy and negative. I've been able to be the friend to a friend in need. I've been the one to listen. I've been the one to share tears and hugs and laughter and joy. Friendship has been the blessing of the last few weeks. Without my friends....it would have been uglier than it's been.
The lovely four F's. Amazing to sum it all up in just four words. But they fit. They explain and they allowed me to survive. let's hope for some different words the next few weeks....some happier words.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
the never ending merry-go-round
Remember being a kid and riding on the merry-go-round on the playground? The ones where you would run around pushing and then jump on for the ride? That's what life feels like right now. That's what healing feels like right now. Symptoms come and go and come and go and come and go. Never-ending cycle of symptoms. Nerves are lovely things. When they work. When they work the way they are supposed to. Healing nerves don't work the way they are supposed to. Healing nerves don't have a road map to follow. Healing nerves are going to be the absolute end of me. They've used up all my patience, they've begun to hit the annoying point that drives me batty. (I know, not a far trip, but still)
The first goofy nerve issue was the constant feeling of something stuck under my toenails. You know, you might get your sock caught on a toenail that had broken and it was rough? So you take your sock off and fix it. Well....After trying to take a sock off that I wasn't even wearing....Yup...nerve fun.
Then came the feeling of my sock being bunched up under the ball of my foot. or there was something in my sock making a lump, under the ball of my foot. Either way, Not much fun! No matter how many times I try to straighten my sock, nothing gets rid of the feeling. :( Frustrating. Then came the happy day that it stopped bugging me. I think I grinned all day.
Guess what came back after a few weeks? Yup...feels like something under my foot again. and it lasted a couple of weeks and FINALLY went away! until now...guess what's back again....yup that annoying feeling of something under my foot...all the time....it is better when I'm barefoot. But as much as I might want to...I can't live my life barefoot. I have to wear shoes to work. I have to wear shoes to go out. I'm not willing to stay home and not do things so I just have to deal! But my patience with it is about gone. Luckily it's not painful....it's not shooting needles up my leg... it's just super stinking annoying.
So as this cycles around and around and around and I can't seem to get off the merry-go-round, I ask the question of does nerve healing go in cycles. I think the people I ask think I'm crazy. I got one answer of perhaps. I got one answer of it could, but not normally. It's on my list to ask the surgeon at my next appointment. However, I'm guessing it's not normal and that would be why I'm dealing with it :) Nothing about this has been normal and with my luck....nothing will ever be normal again!
Sunday, April 20, 2014
it's the little things
I never thought I'd say this....I'm tired of wearing sweatpants and sneakers. If I could wear shoes other than tennis shoes, I'd wear pants other than sweats. BUT I hate dress pants and sneakers together. So while I'm ready to drop the sweats and put on normal pants....I really can't handle putting on real pants and sneakers. I just can't do it. Don't even suggest wearing a dress or skirt with tennis shoes....not going to happen. I could handle jeans and sneakers but not every day...If I'm going to be wearing sneakers every day, I'll stick with sweatpants every day. It's just getting old. The same old shoes, (even though I've gotten new tennis shoes just because I was tired of my old ones), the same sweats. I'm getting more more and more tired of it.
So today....Easter Sunday. I did not want to wear sweats to church...personal choice but still. I was not going to wear a skirt or dress pants with sneakers. Just couldn't do it. Couldn't even consider it. So I decided....I'll be at church, I'll be sitting most of the time, I wouldn't need a ton of support so why not....let's try it. I pulled on a pair of flat sandals that strapped on....and they felt good. I was able to wear them without issue :) (granted they rubbed the top of my feet but it's so worth it!) I wore shoes that weren't sneakers. I wore clothes that weren't sweat pants. all in all a good morning!
(then I went home and took a nap...More on the exhaustion piece later.)
When something goes well, guess who likes to push their luck?!? Yup you know it. While I traded my skirt and cute clothes for comfies, I just did not want to put on tennis shoes. I'm tired of them. And I know that I'll need to wear them to school all week because even though the sandals worked well, there's no way to make it through the entire day teaching without them. Heading out to dinner and I really didn't want to put on tennis shoes....so I think, Sandals with straps worked well....I really miss my flip flops....yup. Flip Flops it is. Try a pair. They fit. They stay on. I can walk without my ankle rolling, the flop falling off, and they're comfy. All in all....excitement set in. Granted, I'm not walking all over town... I've already kicked them off to curl up on the couch but they worked...I'm now seeing options for my social time. I can wear sandals and flops. Guess I need to get a pedicure now...my toes are pretty ugly since I haven't had a pedicure since way before surgery :)
It's the little things that are making the difference now. Not huge earth-shattering advances or changes. Little things like wearing a pair of flip flops....who knew how much that would mean? Who knew how much it would mean to feel the freedom of options?
So today....Easter Sunday. I did not want to wear sweats to church...personal choice but still. I was not going to wear a skirt or dress pants with sneakers. Just couldn't do it. Couldn't even consider it. So I decided....I'll be at church, I'll be sitting most of the time, I wouldn't need a ton of support so why not....let's try it. I pulled on a pair of flat sandals that strapped on....and they felt good. I was able to wear them without issue :) (granted they rubbed the top of my feet but it's so worth it!) I wore shoes that weren't sneakers. I wore clothes that weren't sweat pants. all in all a good morning!
(then I went home and took a nap...More on the exhaustion piece later.)
When something goes well, guess who likes to push their luck?!? Yup you know it. While I traded my skirt and cute clothes for comfies, I just did not want to put on tennis shoes. I'm tired of them. And I know that I'll need to wear them to school all week because even though the sandals worked well, there's no way to make it through the entire day teaching without them. Heading out to dinner and I really didn't want to put on tennis shoes....so I think, Sandals with straps worked well....I really miss my flip flops....yup. Flip Flops it is. Try a pair. They fit. They stay on. I can walk without my ankle rolling, the flop falling off, and they're comfy. All in all....excitement set in. Granted, I'm not walking all over town... I've already kicked them off to curl up on the couch but they worked...I'm now seeing options for my social time. I can wear sandals and flops. Guess I need to get a pedicure now...my toes are pretty ugly since I haven't had a pedicure since way before surgery :)
It's the little things that are making the difference now. Not huge earth-shattering advances or changes. Little things like wearing a pair of flip flops....who knew how much that would mean? Who knew how much it would mean to feel the freedom of options?
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Frustration Point
Well, I finally found it....Yup, my first outright frustration during a workout since surgery. I've had some minor frustrations when my body hasn't done what I've wanted it to or I can't move in a certain way due to my new limitations on movement. Mentally I knew what my limiting factor would be for awhile but it's the first that I haven't been able to work through that and everything else felt good...frustration. I couldn't reach the goal I wanted to, I even set it low...or so I thought.
It's a Hero WOD....for those not used to the lingo, it's a tougher workout in honor of a hero. I modified it to a point I could be successful at it. OR so I thought. 4 rounds vs 6. rowing instead of running with weight (running isn't quite possible yet...). Step ups instead of box jumps. Onto weights instead of onto a box (my shins said thank you). light weight for push press. Kettle bell sumo instead of with sumo dead lift (not yet ready for a deadlift ;) ) All in all, looking at the mods we did, 4 rounds should have been just fine. the row would be the most I've rowed in a workout to date but not an extraordinary amount.
Round 1 felt great. really good. asked to make the step ups higher...it was too easy! (granted I can't (won't) pull the weights yet...too awkward for me to comfortable doing yet) Round 2 felt good. I could feel muscles working, nothing was hurting. Felt good, tiring but good. Continued to push but not over do it. Round 3....my damn ankle started to twinge. Got through the row and thought hmmmm. Push Press was fine. Step ups....by the last one I was thinking...this isn't good. got the sumos done and decided I'd better listen to my body. There was no way I'd complete another round and still be able to use my ankle. And since it's my right ankle, it's my driving ankle.... might be rather important to not kill it in a workout. So I stopped. 3 rounds done.
I should have felt good that I got through as much as I did. I should have felt good that I could do what I did in the time I did. Instead all I felt was frustration. Everything felt good, My back felt smooth and secure. My legs were working well and full depth in the squat. Step ups were too easy at the lower level but felt great at the higher level. Yes I was starting to get tired at the end but that's a good thing.
Everything except that damn ankle. That ankle that isn't back yet. Nerves. Nerves suck! The ankle that is numb often. The ankle that is numb more now than a month ago.... BUT the question is it really more numb than before or am I just feeling it now? IT tingles....it didn't used to. IT's frustrating to me on a regular basis because it just feels weird.
This left me frustrated for the entire day Saturday. Ever plan to do something and have it not work out the way you planned? That was my day Saturday. Only it wasn't just plans not working out. This frustration drove me to begin (nah, continue) to wonder what life would be like if my ankle doesn't come back anymore than it is. What if this is the best point it will be at? What if the rest of my life is spent with a bit of a gimp because of it? It would mean no running....because running is incredible awkward right now....(Not that I love to run or anything but when you can't do something you just want to do it!) Ever try going down stairs heel first on one foot? Not the most comfortable yet that is how I go down stairs currently. Still can't support weight on the right ball of my foot (like raising up on my toes...) I know I know, it's not even been 6 months yet. I know I know, look at how far you have come. I know I know, I'm incredibly fortunate with what I have been able to get back to already. It doesn't stop the wondering, the worrying, the questioning.
The one glimpse of positivity....I listened to my body. I stopped instead of pushing through and paying for it later. I listened to the protesting the ankle was doing and said OK. I guess I'm learning something.
It's a Hero WOD....for those not used to the lingo, it's a tougher workout in honor of a hero. I modified it to a point I could be successful at it. OR so I thought. 4 rounds vs 6. rowing instead of running with weight (running isn't quite possible yet...). Step ups instead of box jumps. Onto weights instead of onto a box (my shins said thank you). light weight for push press. Kettle bell sumo instead of with sumo dead lift (not yet ready for a deadlift ;) ) All in all, looking at the mods we did, 4 rounds should have been just fine. the row would be the most I've rowed in a workout to date but not an extraordinary amount.
Round 1 felt great. really good. asked to make the step ups higher...it was too easy! (granted I can't (won't) pull the weights yet...too awkward for me to comfortable doing yet) Round 2 felt good. I could feel muscles working, nothing was hurting. Felt good, tiring but good. Continued to push but not over do it. Round 3....my damn ankle started to twinge. Got through the row and thought hmmmm. Push Press was fine. Step ups....by the last one I was thinking...this isn't good. got the sumos done and decided I'd better listen to my body. There was no way I'd complete another round and still be able to use my ankle. And since it's my right ankle, it's my driving ankle.... might be rather important to not kill it in a workout. So I stopped. 3 rounds done.
I should have felt good that I got through as much as I did. I should have felt good that I could do what I did in the time I did. Instead all I felt was frustration. Everything felt good, My back felt smooth and secure. My legs were working well and full depth in the squat. Step ups were too easy at the lower level but felt great at the higher level. Yes I was starting to get tired at the end but that's a good thing.
Everything except that damn ankle. That ankle that isn't back yet. Nerves. Nerves suck! The ankle that is numb often. The ankle that is numb more now than a month ago.... BUT the question is it really more numb than before or am I just feeling it now? IT tingles....it didn't used to. IT's frustrating to me on a regular basis because it just feels weird.
This left me frustrated for the entire day Saturday. Ever plan to do something and have it not work out the way you planned? That was my day Saturday. Only it wasn't just plans not working out. This frustration drove me to begin (nah, continue) to wonder what life would be like if my ankle doesn't come back anymore than it is. What if this is the best point it will be at? What if the rest of my life is spent with a bit of a gimp because of it? It would mean no running....because running is incredible awkward right now....(Not that I love to run or anything but when you can't do something you just want to do it!) Ever try going down stairs heel first on one foot? Not the most comfortable yet that is how I go down stairs currently. Still can't support weight on the right ball of my foot (like raising up on my toes...) I know I know, it's not even been 6 months yet. I know I know, look at how far you have come. I know I know, I'm incredibly fortunate with what I have been able to get back to already. It doesn't stop the wondering, the worrying, the questioning.
The one glimpse of positivity....I listened to my body. I stopped instead of pushing through and paying for it later. I listened to the protesting the ankle was doing and said OK. I guess I'm learning something.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
How I Deal
I've gotten many comments throughout this process that I don't seem to treat this injury, surgery, recovery as a big deal. I somewhat blow it off and say it's happened, can't change it. etc. Totally my coping mechanism and I know it. If I let people see how it's really made me feel, then they'll know how much this really knocked me down. How hard I've had to fight to stay positive. How hard it's been to make everyone else think it's not the end of the world. How hard it's been to realize that I was in and still am in a serious situation that I had no control over. So I roll with the punches. I let it roll off my back and try not to let it bother me.
Ask me about the pain I was in the day before surgery and I'll say it really wasn't that bad. I survived it. In my mind, I've already blocked the amount of pain that it was and really have to push through to remember how bad it was. That Tuesday was ridiculously bad. Wednesday wasn't as painful but more scary as the numbness spread. I do have a high pain tolerance...in the hospital they stopped asking my level of pain (it was 0 way more than they thought it should be) and started asking if I was uncomfortable or starting to get stiff. Pain (after the first weekend) wasn't registering as pain and was registering as I'm uncomfortable.
Ask me about PT....even when I was worked to the point fatigue and my legs were shaking uncontrollably, I wanted to push harder. I didn't want to stop. I want to keep going. My PT really worked hard to get me to listen to my own body and rest when I needed to even when I didn't want to. That is something that I'm still working on doing, listening to my body and actually doing what it's saying to do. That might mean not working out on a day that my body needs rest. That might mean not pushing as hard as I could because it doesn't feel right. That might mean not doing full range of motion because it won't let me. It also means that there are times that I just need to lie down and not be upright. My body is just tired of being upright and having to work that hard to stay straight and upright. So after a crazy day, a long day, or I'm just tired, I've learned to take some down time....horizontal time. (on good days, I don't take a nap...on tired days I often can't stay awake once I'm horizontal!) It's tough to listen to your body when you are used to pushing through and just making everything work. I'm still learning to listen and not push quite so hard.
Ask me how I'm doing and 9 times out of 10 I'll say I'm fine. Everything's alright. If I say it, it must be true. If I'm going to focus on all the things that are wrong...I get extremely negative and nothing can go right. If I start to focus on the positive, everything's fine, then the world doesn't seem so bad. It's not that I'm lying about how things are going, I'm just choosing not to let things bother me as much...or let others see how much stuff does bother me. I've made people worry enough about me with the craziness that happened with surgery and losing feeling, I don't need people to worry that I'm bummed or had a rough day.
Ask me if this ordeal has been a big deal, I'll answer flippantly...It happened. Was it a big deal? Yes it was. Yes it is. Am I working through by getting back to normal? Yes. Have I fully accepted that normal will never be the same? Nope...not yet. Reality still hasn't hit. I look at pictures of lifting heavy weights and mentally say to myself, that will never happen again, I'll never do that again. But still in my heart is a little bit of hope that someday, somehow I'll be back to normal.
Ask me about the pain I was in the day before surgery and I'll say it really wasn't that bad. I survived it. In my mind, I've already blocked the amount of pain that it was and really have to push through to remember how bad it was. That Tuesday was ridiculously bad. Wednesday wasn't as painful but more scary as the numbness spread. I do have a high pain tolerance...in the hospital they stopped asking my level of pain (it was 0 way more than they thought it should be) and started asking if I was uncomfortable or starting to get stiff. Pain (after the first weekend) wasn't registering as pain and was registering as I'm uncomfortable.
Ask me about PT....even when I was worked to the point fatigue and my legs were shaking uncontrollably, I wanted to push harder. I didn't want to stop. I want to keep going. My PT really worked hard to get me to listen to my own body and rest when I needed to even when I didn't want to. That is something that I'm still working on doing, listening to my body and actually doing what it's saying to do. That might mean not working out on a day that my body needs rest. That might mean not pushing as hard as I could because it doesn't feel right. That might mean not doing full range of motion because it won't let me. It also means that there are times that I just need to lie down and not be upright. My body is just tired of being upright and having to work that hard to stay straight and upright. So after a crazy day, a long day, or I'm just tired, I've learned to take some down time....horizontal time. (on good days, I don't take a nap...on tired days I often can't stay awake once I'm horizontal!) It's tough to listen to your body when you are used to pushing through and just making everything work. I'm still learning to listen and not push quite so hard.
Ask me how I'm doing and 9 times out of 10 I'll say I'm fine. Everything's alright. If I say it, it must be true. If I'm going to focus on all the things that are wrong...I get extremely negative and nothing can go right. If I start to focus on the positive, everything's fine, then the world doesn't seem so bad. It's not that I'm lying about how things are going, I'm just choosing not to let things bother me as much...or let others see how much stuff does bother me. I've made people worry enough about me with the craziness that happened with surgery and losing feeling, I don't need people to worry that I'm bummed or had a rough day.
Ask me if this ordeal has been a big deal, I'll answer flippantly...It happened. Was it a big deal? Yes it was. Yes it is. Am I working through by getting back to normal? Yes. Have I fully accepted that normal will never be the same? Nope...not yet. Reality still hasn't hit. I look at pictures of lifting heavy weights and mentally say to myself, that will never happen again, I'll never do that again. But still in my heart is a little bit of hope that someday, somehow I'll be back to normal.
Monday, April 7, 2014
A Busy Week
I don't do change well. Anxiety hits. Sleep leaves. All I've had for 5 months is change. Change that was out of my control. Change that I didn't want and then change that didn't happen fast enough for me. Fast forward....In a period of three weeks.....grandfather deathly ill in the hospital, cousin's wedding, moving one grandparent to assisted living and the other to a nursing home, it was parent teacher conferences, one of my former high schoolers deathly ill in ICU, I had 27 report cards to assess for, grade, enter and print, I was released from PT, I went back to Crossfit, I moved back to my apartment and I got sick. So needless to say...change = stress = not much fun.
Let's look at the positive changes....
I returned to Crossfit. Not even 5 months after surgery and I am in a condition that I can return to the box. I can't do everything. I have to modify everything. But I'm back. I'm with my 530 peeps. I'm with my coach. I'm responsible for what I can and can't do. My normal is returning...in a new way. I knew how much I had missed the people but I hadn't realized how much I missed the style of workout and the just gutting through a tough one with people in the same situation. (working cardio on a bike or a track just sucks and isn't my ideal way to workout, if there was any doubt!) I'm not sure who it was more important to that I returned...
I moved to my apartment. New curtains. New furniture arrangement. New shelves. Less crap. Less clothes. Lots less stuff. Lots and Lots and Lots less stuff. Cleaning lady setup. It's been many weeks of work. Still many weeks to go til I throw a spring party. It will happen. I will host a party. at my apartment. (if you have no clue of the meaning behind this...be glad! and know you're welcome to come over too!) It doesn't matter what the stuff is, it's not important. I'm independent again. That's important. I can wear the clothes I have...they fit. Well, most of them fit...til I put on the jeans to wear and they were too big! A continued annoying problem...:)
I survived Parent Teacher Conferences. 28 scheduled. parents were so glad to see me back. As a side note, I had surgery the week after the previous parent teacher conferences....I missed a full 9 weeks + some. My students showed growth. I had good news for most parents at conferences. I have a great group of kids this year and am incredibly blessed! (if this had happened last year....it would have been ridiculously awful) Parents who can't handle being in a conference together for years finally came in together...not just one family but two! Amazing!! Parent Teacher conferences were just LONG and tiring...but good attendance and good conversations with my families.
Throw into the middle of conferences a former high schooler of mine is in ICU fighting for his life. He's been mine since he was in middle school (he turned 22 while in the hospital) and he always comes back when he needs to. Just rocks the sense of normal when someone you love is fighting for their life and they shouldn't have to. He's faced enough challenges in his life to last anyones lifetime and he just keeps fighting. He's touched a lot of lives and will continue to touch lives as he fights through this challenge. Love you kid!
It's the calm weeks that follow the busy ones that I get sick. Then I have downtime and start asking questions that I don't have answers for. I start wondering what will end up happening with my healing. I start worrying that I won't get everything back. (ever try going down stairs heel first? not much fun) Every time I am quiet or not rushing around, the questions start forming. Driving is another time that questions just start running. The problem is there are no real answers. There's best case scenarios, there's likelihoods, there's no step by step concrete answers. I don't do well with unknown. This has been part of the challenge of this injury and healing process. From the get go, there were no certainties and I'm sure that I asked some nonsense questions at the time but it's what mattered then.
I'm looking forward. I'm looking towards being 'normal'... granted normal won't be like it was. I wish I had the answers and a plan to what this all will look like. I don't. I won't. I'll continue moving forward and praying for best case scenarios and recovery.
Let's look at the positive changes....
I returned to Crossfit. Not even 5 months after surgery and I am in a condition that I can return to the box. I can't do everything. I have to modify everything. But I'm back. I'm with my 530 peeps. I'm with my coach. I'm responsible for what I can and can't do. My normal is returning...in a new way. I knew how much I had missed the people but I hadn't realized how much I missed the style of workout and the just gutting through a tough one with people in the same situation. (working cardio on a bike or a track just sucks and isn't my ideal way to workout, if there was any doubt!) I'm not sure who it was more important to that I returned...
I moved to my apartment. New curtains. New furniture arrangement. New shelves. Less crap. Less clothes. Lots less stuff. Lots and Lots and Lots less stuff. Cleaning lady setup. It's been many weeks of work. Still many weeks to go til I throw a spring party. It will happen. I will host a party. at my apartment. (if you have no clue of the meaning behind this...be glad! and know you're welcome to come over too!) It doesn't matter what the stuff is, it's not important. I'm independent again. That's important. I can wear the clothes I have...they fit. Well, most of them fit...til I put on the jeans to wear and they were too big! A continued annoying problem...:)
I survived Parent Teacher Conferences. 28 scheduled. parents were so glad to see me back. As a side note, I had surgery the week after the previous parent teacher conferences....I missed a full 9 weeks + some. My students showed growth. I had good news for most parents at conferences. I have a great group of kids this year and am incredibly blessed! (if this had happened last year....it would have been ridiculously awful) Parents who can't handle being in a conference together for years finally came in together...not just one family but two! Amazing!! Parent Teacher conferences were just LONG and tiring...but good attendance and good conversations with my families.
Throw into the middle of conferences a former high schooler of mine is in ICU fighting for his life. He's been mine since he was in middle school (he turned 22 while in the hospital) and he always comes back when he needs to. Just rocks the sense of normal when someone you love is fighting for their life and they shouldn't have to. He's faced enough challenges in his life to last anyones lifetime and he just keeps fighting. He's touched a lot of lives and will continue to touch lives as he fights through this challenge. Love you kid!
It's the calm weeks that follow the busy ones that I get sick. Then I have downtime and start asking questions that I don't have answers for. I start wondering what will end up happening with my healing. I start worrying that I won't get everything back. (ever try going down stairs heel first? not much fun) Every time I am quiet or not rushing around, the questions start forming. Driving is another time that questions just start running. The problem is there are no real answers. There's best case scenarios, there's likelihoods, there's no step by step concrete answers. I don't do well with unknown. This has been part of the challenge of this injury and healing process. From the get go, there were no certainties and I'm sure that I asked some nonsense questions at the time but it's what mattered then.
I'm looking forward. I'm looking towards being 'normal'... granted normal won't be like it was. I wish I had the answers and a plan to what this all will look like. I don't. I won't. I'll continue moving forward and praying for best case scenarios and recovery.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
life at my parents house....after going back to work!
3 months since surgery or there abouts and I am released to return to work. THANK GOODNESS! I was ready. The working out everyday at the pool was wonderful but I missed my kids. I missed my coworkers. I missed my routine. I missed normal.
I headed back to work on Valentine's Week...first week back and I have to throw a party....what kind of planning was that? I'm still in my brace. I'm still gimpy. and I have to teach 27 smiling faces...yes I got a new student on my first day back... and it's valentine's week... What on earth am I going to do? I taught. I enjoyed myself. I wore sweatpants and tennis shoes. My students were beyond estatic to have me back. I was beyond estactic to be back.
The new normal....or the current normal. I couldn't teach all morning without a bathroom break. I have no breaks in my schedule. Solved that problem by recruiting help. (I had to ask for help...and everyone has been glad to help!) I couldn't bend over to a student's desk....so I sat at a desk and they came to me. I walk slower than normal...they have to pace to my speed. All these things and many more slowly figured themselves out as we got used to the new normal. I picked up two reams of copy paper and freaked people out...2 reams, 1000 sheets of paper....remember that sense of independence... definitely trampled on by my well-meaning colleagues. but I smiled and said thank you. I had to leave early for PT....I had to ask for help in covering my room for 7 minutes. Again, everyone was more than happy to help. I'm still learning how to be independent without hurting other's feelings or thoughts! My students checked everyday to make sure I had my brace on. Multiple times a day. They picked up everything I dropped. They brought me things from around the room. They listened even when I was teaching from a chair or stool instead of walking around the room. They listened when I couldn't sit on the floor with them. They adjusted to the new normal much faster than anyone else around and that included me.
I was so happy to be back at school. Back at work. Everyone noticed the permagrin. My PT's 1st comment at my first appt after going back...you needed your routine back. I just grinned and worked my ass off in PT. But things weren't the same. I still was living at my parents house...leaving at 730am and getting home at 9-10pm. I still needed help in doing many things. I wasn't back to my normal workout schedule. (Can you tell I am a routine based person? Don't screw with my routine...I don't adjust well!) People looked at me differently...are you ok, how are you feeling, how's your back, you're limping. So many questions about the physical changes...very little concern or interest in the mental aspect of my life. Those that I spent the most time with were the ones that were there the least... how much energy have I put into relationships that weren't returned?
And I'm still at my parents house. Having to tell them when I'd be home or not be home. What my day was going to be like. Mom had to get up with me every day... was she worried I'd skip a day of work? Was she worried I'd be late? I do think they forgot I am an adult and responsible for myself. And there's lots of snow. The return to my apartment seems to be stretching farther and farther away.
My days were 10-12 hour days. I loved it! I crashed hard on weekends. I was trying to find balance between work, healing, social life, and working out. I wanted to spend endless hours in MY classroom. I wanted to spend hours in the pool. I wanted to spend hours with my friends. I wanted everything and I wanted it to be now. Needless to say...I'm not a highly patient person and I tend to push my limits. I crashed really hard on weekends. I wasn't very active and took my rest days on the weekends....can you say bad idea? If I took a rest day from the pool on the weekend, I wasn't getting my normal walking in at school... see the pattern? So by the time Monday rolled around I was stiff and sore from not moving much over the weekend.... So new normal means I can't take a day and do nothing...so rest days occurred during the week and I made sure to head to the pool on weekends. All of a sudden, monday's weren't the worst day ever :)
I headed back to work on Valentine's Week...first week back and I have to throw a party....what kind of planning was that? I'm still in my brace. I'm still gimpy. and I have to teach 27 smiling faces...yes I got a new student on my first day back... and it's valentine's week... What on earth am I going to do? I taught. I enjoyed myself. I wore sweatpants and tennis shoes. My students were beyond estatic to have me back. I was beyond estactic to be back.
The new normal....or the current normal. I couldn't teach all morning without a bathroom break. I have no breaks in my schedule. Solved that problem by recruiting help. (I had to ask for help...and everyone has been glad to help!) I couldn't bend over to a student's desk....so I sat at a desk and they came to me. I walk slower than normal...they have to pace to my speed. All these things and many more slowly figured themselves out as we got used to the new normal. I picked up two reams of copy paper and freaked people out...2 reams, 1000 sheets of paper....remember that sense of independence... definitely trampled on by my well-meaning colleagues. but I smiled and said thank you. I had to leave early for PT....I had to ask for help in covering my room for 7 minutes. Again, everyone was more than happy to help. I'm still learning how to be independent without hurting other's feelings or thoughts! My students checked everyday to make sure I had my brace on. Multiple times a day. They picked up everything I dropped. They brought me things from around the room. They listened even when I was teaching from a chair or stool instead of walking around the room. They listened when I couldn't sit on the floor with them. They adjusted to the new normal much faster than anyone else around and that included me.
I was so happy to be back at school. Back at work. Everyone noticed the permagrin. My PT's 1st comment at my first appt after going back...you needed your routine back. I just grinned and worked my ass off in PT. But things weren't the same. I still was living at my parents house...leaving at 730am and getting home at 9-10pm. I still needed help in doing many things. I wasn't back to my normal workout schedule. (Can you tell I am a routine based person? Don't screw with my routine...I don't adjust well!) People looked at me differently...are you ok, how are you feeling, how's your back, you're limping. So many questions about the physical changes...very little concern or interest in the mental aspect of my life. Those that I spent the most time with were the ones that were there the least... how much energy have I put into relationships that weren't returned?
And I'm still at my parents house. Having to tell them when I'd be home or not be home. What my day was going to be like. Mom had to get up with me every day... was she worried I'd skip a day of work? Was she worried I'd be late? I do think they forgot I am an adult and responsible for myself. And there's lots of snow. The return to my apartment seems to be stretching farther and farther away.
My days were 10-12 hour days. I loved it! I crashed hard on weekends. I was trying to find balance between work, healing, social life, and working out. I wanted to spend endless hours in MY classroom. I wanted to spend hours in the pool. I wanted to spend hours with my friends. I wanted everything and I wanted it to be now. Needless to say...I'm not a highly patient person and I tend to push my limits. I crashed really hard on weekends. I wasn't very active and took my rest days on the weekends....can you say bad idea? If I took a rest day from the pool on the weekend, I wasn't getting my normal walking in at school... see the pattern? So by the time Monday rolled around I was stiff and sore from not moving much over the weekend.... So new normal means I can't take a day and do nothing...so rest days occurred during the week and I made sure to head to the pool on weekends. All of a sudden, monday's weren't the worst day ever :)
Friday, April 4, 2014
being home...at my parents.
Yay! Happy day! I improved enough to leave rehab and head home. I couldn't drive. I couldn't walk without a walker more than a few steps. I couldn't live on my own. I had to move home to my parents.... wow. Major transition time for everyone. I was used to having my own space. Being responsible for me. Now...They wouldn't leave me home alone. Someone was always around. For someone who was used to living by myself, having people around when I wanted to and having time and space to myself as I wanted...this was awful! I had to start living on someone else's schedule.
Thinking about how long I'd be at my parents house....I'm not driving. I have an outside staircase. I don't have a garage. There's going to be snow. and ice. This isn't going to be pretty. I also know that my place is a trainwreck...(those that know what my car normally looks like or my classroom? think apartment sized....) Too much to even think about...when is first PT apt...let's just focus on that!
Outpatient PT... a whole new ball game. Again as time goes on, I've been highly impressed with my PT's....yes I had more than one again. Since I lost all feeling and function from the waist down...I ended up with both a neuro PT and a Pelvic Floor PT. Let me tell you, I've learned a lot about the whole process and my body through this. Still rather crazy that my body wouldn't work in a normal way....or at least not my thought of normal. But we still saw lots of progress, lots of rapid progress.
Oh yeah... also had my first visit to the neurosurgeon's office...the receptionist was a little confused. 'I have a note saying you need to fill out paperwork...but you've already had surgery.' I started laughing and responded with yep, I tend to do things backwards...surgery first, office visit second. Met with the nurse who was surprised by the condition I was in...in a good way. I guess I still didn't look like I just had massive back surgery a few weeks before that included 6 screws and 2 pins and some other stuff I'm sure. What do people expect? I was walking with a walker, I was wearing a brace that wouldn't let me bend or twist and my hips swayed like a working girl in high heels. Talk about not my normal! Neurosurgeon remembered me...did he remember the overnite emergency surgery? or the fact that I had the nerve to yell at him? I'll never know! and he came to answer questions, show me my xrays and see how my feet were doing. (the xrays are pretty cool and if you want to see them, I'll share :) ) Two things he did for me at this visit...1) told me to get off the pain pills and 2) told my mother that I really didn't need the walker. So what do I do? I go cold turkey off the pain meds...(and then checked with my doc for his thoughts) and I stopped using the walker all together (much to my PT's chagrin...)
IMPORTANT FACT....neurosurgeon said I could drive :) mom's reaction...what?!? granted I had to drive with a parent to make sure everything went ok and practice in a big parking lot etc...but he said I could drive! (see my independent streak?) I still waited til after the new year to drive myself...several weeks down the road but it laid the ground work :)
(side note...he also allowed traveled...again mother wasn't thrilled...but I was :) Granted it was a different way of traveling...stoppping every hour or so, not able to sleep, not able to twist or turn or get comfortable but I got to travel...I got to celebrate family Christmas at the farm and ring in the New Year at a wedding. I got to be halfway normal and involved in things outside my healing process.)
My PT also decided that pool therapy was going to be wonderful for me...so I got to start using the warm water therapy pool. LOVED this! and holy cow...I can't do a lot of things. Just walking forward was tough and I had difficulty keeping my balance. However, it gave me something to work on. I'd be at PT twice a week, Pelvic Floor PT once a week and I'd use the pool 3-5 times a week. Can you see how much work I put in? It gave me something to work towards. I could work hard and wear myself out without hurting my healing body. I learned to say screw it to my hairy legs (that I couldn't reach to shave) and get in the pool in a swimsuit often.
PT really got used to me coming in every session with a list of questions a mile long. Every little thing caused a question....I googled a lot...and didn't get answers I liked. And had a hard time finding information about my particular situation...I'm figuring out this isn't that common. Sure people blow their backs out, sure people get nerve damage, but...in less than 24 hours I went from full function and feeling to just about none. I went from being normal to being injured, broken. Everything was playing catchup. I tried to find answers to my questions and all you can find is horror stories... of continued pain, of feeling not coming back, of frustration, life-ruining complications. So instead my PT answered many of them....and the sad part is a lot of answers are unknown still....nerves are not an easy thing to heal...and if you are impatient... it's less fun. And I'm not one to process things with other people around....and guess what....I'm still at home. And still not being left alone much, so processing has been on the slow side.
And I'm still at home at my parents. And I'm still not left alone very often. And I'm still going crazy without my normal independence. And I'm still not back to work. And the plan to stay at my parents seems indefintely long. How many more weeks until I'm released back to work? How many more weeks til I comfortable doing what I want to when I want to without feeling like I have to alert someone to every step of my plans?
Thinking about how long I'd be at my parents house....I'm not driving. I have an outside staircase. I don't have a garage. There's going to be snow. and ice. This isn't going to be pretty. I also know that my place is a trainwreck...(those that know what my car normally looks like or my classroom? think apartment sized....) Too much to even think about...when is first PT apt...let's just focus on that!
Outpatient PT... a whole new ball game. Again as time goes on, I've been highly impressed with my PT's....yes I had more than one again. Since I lost all feeling and function from the waist down...I ended up with both a neuro PT and a Pelvic Floor PT. Let me tell you, I've learned a lot about the whole process and my body through this. Still rather crazy that my body wouldn't work in a normal way....or at least not my thought of normal. But we still saw lots of progress, lots of rapid progress.
Oh yeah... also had my first visit to the neurosurgeon's office...the receptionist was a little confused. 'I have a note saying you need to fill out paperwork...but you've already had surgery.' I started laughing and responded with yep, I tend to do things backwards...surgery first, office visit second. Met with the nurse who was surprised by the condition I was in...in a good way. I guess I still didn't look like I just had massive back surgery a few weeks before that included 6 screws and 2 pins and some other stuff I'm sure. What do people expect? I was walking with a walker, I was wearing a brace that wouldn't let me bend or twist and my hips swayed like a working girl in high heels. Talk about not my normal! Neurosurgeon remembered me...did he remember the overnite emergency surgery? or the fact that I had the nerve to yell at him? I'll never know! and he came to answer questions, show me my xrays and see how my feet were doing. (the xrays are pretty cool and if you want to see them, I'll share :) ) Two things he did for me at this visit...1) told me to get off the pain pills and 2) told my mother that I really didn't need the walker. So what do I do? I go cold turkey off the pain meds...(and then checked with my doc for his thoughts) and I stopped using the walker all together (much to my PT's chagrin...)
IMPORTANT FACT....neurosurgeon said I could drive :) mom's reaction...what?!? granted I had to drive with a parent to make sure everything went ok and practice in a big parking lot etc...but he said I could drive! (see my independent streak?) I still waited til after the new year to drive myself...several weeks down the road but it laid the ground work :)
(side note...he also allowed traveled...again mother wasn't thrilled...but I was :) Granted it was a different way of traveling...stoppping every hour or so, not able to sleep, not able to twist or turn or get comfortable but I got to travel...I got to celebrate family Christmas at the farm and ring in the New Year at a wedding. I got to be halfway normal and involved in things outside my healing process.)
My PT also decided that pool therapy was going to be wonderful for me...so I got to start using the warm water therapy pool. LOVED this! and holy cow...I can't do a lot of things. Just walking forward was tough and I had difficulty keeping my balance. However, it gave me something to work on. I'd be at PT twice a week, Pelvic Floor PT once a week and I'd use the pool 3-5 times a week. Can you see how much work I put in? It gave me something to work towards. I could work hard and wear myself out without hurting my healing body. I learned to say screw it to my hairy legs (that I couldn't reach to shave) and get in the pool in a swimsuit often.
PT really got used to me coming in every session with a list of questions a mile long. Every little thing caused a question....I googled a lot...and didn't get answers I liked. And had a hard time finding information about my particular situation...I'm figuring out this isn't that common. Sure people blow their backs out, sure people get nerve damage, but...in less than 24 hours I went from full function and feeling to just about none. I went from being normal to being injured, broken. Everything was playing catchup. I tried to find answers to my questions and all you can find is horror stories... of continued pain, of feeling not coming back, of frustration, life-ruining complications. So instead my PT answered many of them....and the sad part is a lot of answers are unknown still....nerves are not an easy thing to heal...and if you are impatient... it's less fun. And I'm not one to process things with other people around....and guess what....I'm still at home. And still not being left alone much, so processing has been on the slow side.
And I'm still at home at my parents. And I'm still not left alone very often. And I'm still going crazy without my normal independence. And I'm still not back to work. And the plan to stay at my parents seems indefintely long. How many more weeks until I'm released back to work? How many more weeks til I comfortable doing what I want to when I want to without feeling like I have to alert someone to every step of my plans?
Thursday, April 3, 2014
The mystery called Rehab
Well, rehab didn't start the way it was supposed to. I didn't make it to rehab on Monday morning. My nurse decided I was too nauseated and miserable to make it. So we delayed and tried to fix those problems... tried is the key word and started in the afternoon. I met my afternoon PT's...yes I ended up with 3 different PTs every day :) It was amazing to have 3 brains working on me! They worked wonders for me. I worked hard and felt so good that I was finally learning how to move again...and HUGE step...they let me get myself to and from the rehab gym...they let me be independent! I was in rehab for a week and a half....and in that time, I met some amazing people, and felt like I was part of the team.
a few things stood out to me during this time...
1) My positive attitude shocked people...family, friends, hospital staff, etc. Here's my perception...it happened. injury happened. Surgery happened. I couldn't change any of that, I could only change how I reacted to it. I could smile and work with what I had or I could complain and be grouchy and grumpy all the time. I smiled. (most of the time...the 4 people that got the negativity... thank you.) I really didn't have a concept of the length of time this was going to be overall and I was going to make the best of what I could do. Every day there was something new. Something to be excited about. Some measurable change from the day before. My attitude was spreading. Patients started talking to each other while waiting for rehab. Patients started smiling more. Patients started trying more.
2) I learned which people mattered. Friends stayed in touch. They visited. They texted. They dealt with me even with the difficulties I was facing. They were there. They sent cards...mail was an amazing pick me up!
3) I learned how to ask friends for things. (I am incredibly independent. I am proud of my independence. I lost all of it.) Some friends just didn't know what to do. So I asked for things. I asked for coffee.... I asked for chapstick. I asked for food. I asked for a hairbrush. I asked for clothes.... I asked for company. I'm not comfortable in 'inconviencing' others and that's how I felt every time I asked for something, I was inconveniencing someone else. In reality, I learned that people just didn't know what to do and by asking for things it allowed them to do something. I still don't have the easiest time asking for things, asking for help, but I continue to work on it and continue to see the importance in being able to ask for help.
4) Friends that can text about poop for over 2 hours trying to problem solve your lacking ability to poop are friends that will last through anything and will text about anything. (Brown bomb anyone? Never again I hope!)
5) Being in rehab was a good thing. Making friends of every person that worked with you and worked along side of you made a difference. They start to see you as a person and not just a patient. They figure out what makes you work and what will make you stronger. Being in rehab gave me independence back.
6) Little things matter. a card in the mail. picking up a wash cloth with your toes. being able to lift your toes. walking independently for the first time. having a letter written recognizing the care you were given. a friend just coming to sit a while. a hot shower. rolling over in bed all by yourself.
Rehab was only a week and half long. The days were busy and full. The afternoons and evening were full of visitors. The nights were long...waking every 2 hours, taking meds to sleep for 2 hours, getting stuck and needing help moving in bed. The what-if's started rolling in the long nights. Early morning visits that answered every random question I had. The nurses make a difference...a big difference.
The fears really hit while in rehab. There was no step by step checklist to recovery. Instead nerve injuries are unknown recovery. I had a bunch of questions....(when can I drink again? will I ever wear heels again? will I be able to do Crossfit again? how long til I can drive again? will I be able to golf again?) I'm sure my questions seemed irrelevant but they were important to me. The answers were all positive and I could look forward to doing them again...no clue that it would be as long as it will til some of them again.
Reality hit when I read my FMLA paperwork the rehab doctor filled out. Incomplete paraplegia. Seeing it in black and white on the paper to turn into school rocked my world. I was what? I had a label. I was scared it wouldn't get better. What would happen if things didn't change?
a few things stood out to me during this time...
1) My positive attitude shocked people...family, friends, hospital staff, etc. Here's my perception...it happened. injury happened. Surgery happened. I couldn't change any of that, I could only change how I reacted to it. I could smile and work with what I had or I could complain and be grouchy and grumpy all the time. I smiled. (most of the time...the 4 people that got the negativity... thank you.) I really didn't have a concept of the length of time this was going to be overall and I was going to make the best of what I could do. Every day there was something new. Something to be excited about. Some measurable change from the day before. My attitude was spreading. Patients started talking to each other while waiting for rehab. Patients started smiling more. Patients started trying more.
2) I learned which people mattered. Friends stayed in touch. They visited. They texted. They dealt with me even with the difficulties I was facing. They were there. They sent cards...mail was an amazing pick me up!
3) I learned how to ask friends for things. (I am incredibly independent. I am proud of my independence. I lost all of it.) Some friends just didn't know what to do. So I asked for things. I asked for coffee.... I asked for chapstick. I asked for food. I asked for a hairbrush. I asked for clothes.... I asked for company. I'm not comfortable in 'inconviencing' others and that's how I felt every time I asked for something, I was inconveniencing someone else. In reality, I learned that people just didn't know what to do and by asking for things it allowed them to do something. I still don't have the easiest time asking for things, asking for help, but I continue to work on it and continue to see the importance in being able to ask for help.
4) Friends that can text about poop for over 2 hours trying to problem solve your lacking ability to poop are friends that will last through anything and will text about anything. (Brown bomb anyone? Never again I hope!)
5) Being in rehab was a good thing. Making friends of every person that worked with you and worked along side of you made a difference. They start to see you as a person and not just a patient. They figure out what makes you work and what will make you stronger. Being in rehab gave me independence back.
6) Little things matter. a card in the mail. picking up a wash cloth with your toes. being able to lift your toes. walking independently for the first time. having a letter written recognizing the care you were given. a friend just coming to sit a while. a hot shower. rolling over in bed all by yourself.
Rehab was only a week and half long. The days were busy and full. The afternoons and evening were full of visitors. The nights were long...waking every 2 hours, taking meds to sleep for 2 hours, getting stuck and needing help moving in bed. The what-if's started rolling in the long nights. Early morning visits that answered every random question I had. The nurses make a difference...a big difference.
The fears really hit while in rehab. There was no step by step checklist to recovery. Instead nerve injuries are unknown recovery. I had a bunch of questions....(when can I drink again? will I ever wear heels again? will I be able to do Crossfit again? how long til I can drive again? will I be able to golf again?) I'm sure my questions seemed irrelevant but they were important to me. The answers were all positive and I could look forward to doing them again...no clue that it would be as long as it will til some of them again.
Reality hit when I read my FMLA paperwork the rehab doctor filled out. Incomplete paraplegia. Seeing it in black and white on the paper to turn into school rocked my world. I was what? I had a label. I was scared it wouldn't get better. What would happen if things didn't change?
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
I survived surgery...
Next thing I remember is waking up to a nurse reaching between my boobs to pull a sensor off. "I'm not trying to grope you, I've just got to take this off of you." and that just sets the picture for the rest of the day.
Overnight surgery, finally got into my room around 4 am. I was scattered, I had no clue what was going on, my back felt funny, I had a pain pump, I really only knew that I had surgery but really didn't know much else. Granted, it's been an entire 48 hours since I first locked up my leg... can you say whirlwind? So of course, I get on my phone onto facebook...that's the smart thing to do! It seemed like someone was in and out of my room for the first couple of hours without a break...and I honestly don't remember a whole lot til I got a text asking if I was awake. Of course I was awake...I just had massive surgery (which I still had no clue what the surgery actually was) and there was no hope for sleep anytime soon. (granted it was only like 6 am ish....) In walks my doctor. He looked exhausted. stressed. worried. (I never want to see that look caused by me again! That's when I knew I was in for some major work ahead...) At this point, he's been my doctor for a grand total of 36 hours? (he's now stuck with me.....and I am forever grateful!) He came in, sat down, and visited for awhile. And this is when I realized that I could barely move. I wonder what that looked like crossing my thought process....I wonder what my face showed, I'm not sure I really want to know. I remember nothing else except people from the hospital were in and out all morning.
I got a text asking what room I was in....my response "no clue. a room" Then my friends starting coming (they were able to find me without my help!). The ones I didn't expect. The ones I considered friends but didn't realize that it was mutual. Talk about being overwhelmed. People that came to the hospital surprised me. I never realized how strong a community I had built around me, I never realized how much I relied on that community until the need arose.
PT came in to assess me. and for the first time my body didn't really do what I told it to. The first thoughts of this isn't good crossed my mind. Still didn't have feeling from the waist down. But instead of things working when I told them to, things weren't working the greatest. About this time, modesty has completely gone out the window... which I never expected to happen. I didn't care that the gown I was in was hanging open in the back. I didn't care that I hadn't showered, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth, or even put on my glasses. I walked farther than expected.... and told my story 800 million times. People were shocked by my story, shocked by me having the surgery I had. Friends showed up all evening. The ones I didn't expect. The ones I did expect...didn't come.
Day two rolls around. I'm asking questions about everything that isn't exactly important. I'm complaining about the massive bruising on my arms from the IVs.... and I yelled at my neurosurgeon when he did rounds. The man who operated, the man who was the one who saved the use of my legs and function of bowel and bladder....(granted a lot of people were integral to this...) and I had the nerve to yell at him. Now if you saw me in the hospital...my mind couldn't focus on squat...I couldn't read a book, I couldn't watch a tv show, I couldn't play a game on my phone. My ability to focus was shot and let's not even bring up memory....a lot of things are fuzzy from the first few days. The Neurosurgeon came in, talked to me for a few minutes and told me to ask two questions of PT when I saw them later in the day. Then he walked out. I yelled "STOP!" he turned around and looked at me and said what? I said in a teacher voice I'm sure...You want me to ask questions of other people but my brain isn't working and there's no way I'll remember them. Get back in here and tell me again so I can write them down. He listened...He walked back in, leaned against the wall and went over the questions with me again. Then with a laugh he asked if there was anything else I needed. I said nope, have a good day. To this day, I think that story will stick with me forever.
Constant stream of people again. It was nice to have everyone in and out to keep from focusing on pain, or discomfort or the unknown. But on the other hand, I was exhausted, but couldn't sleep. and PT came again....still ugly walking and couldn't walk as far as I did the day before. And yet another person comes in and tells me I'm heading to the rehab floor tomorrow. great. Whatever that means, people around me seemed surprised that they were moving me as quick as they were...to me, it seemed normal. It's Friday night...not a fun night, a nurse I never did learn her name seemed to be in my room all night long because I was miserable...too hot, too uncomfortable, too stiff, no relief from the pain pump, no relief from anything. She found me a fan, she checked on me all night long, she helped me roll over and over and over and over...pretty scary thought when you can't roll over in bed on your own.
Sat morning rolls around...didn't get much sleep and then was told that I can't go to rehab with the pain pump. So they said to try not to use it. (when you tell me to try not to do something, I just don't do it...solely to prove a point.) so I went cold turkey off the pain pump at 9 in the morning. here's the problem...there was no plan in place for a different source of pain control....hmmm. slight problem maybe? the other problem was I was still on a catheter.... and they pulled that before I moved floors too. (I'm still not sure what ended up being the worse of the two....) I washed my face for the first time since getting to the hospital. They moved all my stuff and then moved me.
New floor. New doctor responsible for me. New bracelet on my wrist. New nurses. Crappy TV. Had to get new meds for pain. New meds for pain caused nausea. Nausea called for more new meds... see a circle here? ugly day.
oh wait.... I did get a shower (Sat or Sun? I do not know). Glorious shower. First shower in days. and the bandage came off my back. Of course I couldn't see it. So a friend took a picture...holy cow! My entire back seemed to be a row of staples, with a short row to the side. (yes I still have the picture if you want to see it....it's not very pretty but it is pretty cool :))
Sat night....friends and family are at the hockey game (where I was supposed to be). Friends and Family at the LOG Agape Celebration (where I also was supposed to be). and where am I? in the hospital, by myself, in pain, and miserable. I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand why my pain was as high as it was, I didn't understand why my friends and family were out having fun while I couldn't. All I could think about was what I was missing. People texted all night, updates from the game, pictures and videos from the celebration, just checking in. Those texts were a double-edged sword. While people were keeping me distracted (which I asked for), I was in tears because every single text reminded me of what I couldn't do now. And this was the first that fact had hit. I couldn't even roll over in bed, how on earth was I going to go to another hockey game? How could I work with the high schoolers I love? How could I be independent and live on my own? What the hell was I going to do?
The rest of the weekend was a blur. one major moment stands out and I honestly have no clue when during the weekend it occurred but a friend comes to visit that actually got my mother to leave....(my mother hovered and wanted to fix everything but couldn't...not much fun!) A friend that understood the workings of the hospital, that understood being a patient, that brought a shit ton of stuff to entertain me (I still love the microphone!), that just let me relax and not 'put on the show' of being a good patient. I needed her that day more than I ever knew and only realized as time has gone by.
The plan is to start PT in the morning...this means PT, OT, and whatever else. Hours of these things. And I can't roll myself over in bed. How on earth is this going to work? And I can't pee...so after days of misery of being straight cathetered I threw a fit and made them put the foley back in. I wasn't going to handle that pain of being flat on my back any longer. And talk about body functions....mine still weren't working. Can't pee. Can't poop. Can't walk. Can't get out of bed without help. Can't roll over in my bed without help. Can't take pain meds without massive amounts of nausea. (can you imagine throwing up just after having back surgery? I couldn't!) ...see all the can'ts? Needless to say...another night of little sleep.
Overnight surgery, finally got into my room around 4 am. I was scattered, I had no clue what was going on, my back felt funny, I had a pain pump, I really only knew that I had surgery but really didn't know much else. Granted, it's been an entire 48 hours since I first locked up my leg... can you say whirlwind? So of course, I get on my phone onto facebook...that's the smart thing to do! It seemed like someone was in and out of my room for the first couple of hours without a break...and I honestly don't remember a whole lot til I got a text asking if I was awake. Of course I was awake...I just had massive surgery (which I still had no clue what the surgery actually was) and there was no hope for sleep anytime soon. (granted it was only like 6 am ish....) In walks my doctor. He looked exhausted. stressed. worried. (I never want to see that look caused by me again! That's when I knew I was in for some major work ahead...) At this point, he's been my doctor for a grand total of 36 hours? (he's now stuck with me.....and I am forever grateful!) He came in, sat down, and visited for awhile. And this is when I realized that I could barely move. I wonder what that looked like crossing my thought process....I wonder what my face showed, I'm not sure I really want to know. I remember nothing else except people from the hospital were in and out all morning.
I got a text asking what room I was in....my response "no clue. a room" Then my friends starting coming (they were able to find me without my help!). The ones I didn't expect. The ones I considered friends but didn't realize that it was mutual. Talk about being overwhelmed. People that came to the hospital surprised me. I never realized how strong a community I had built around me, I never realized how much I relied on that community until the need arose.
PT came in to assess me. and for the first time my body didn't really do what I told it to. The first thoughts of this isn't good crossed my mind. Still didn't have feeling from the waist down. But instead of things working when I told them to, things weren't working the greatest. About this time, modesty has completely gone out the window... which I never expected to happen. I didn't care that the gown I was in was hanging open in the back. I didn't care that I hadn't showered, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth, or even put on my glasses. I walked farther than expected.... and told my story 800 million times. People were shocked by my story, shocked by me having the surgery I had. Friends showed up all evening. The ones I didn't expect. The ones I did expect...didn't come.
Day two rolls around. I'm asking questions about everything that isn't exactly important. I'm complaining about the massive bruising on my arms from the IVs.... and I yelled at my neurosurgeon when he did rounds. The man who operated, the man who was the one who saved the use of my legs and function of bowel and bladder....(granted a lot of people were integral to this...) and I had the nerve to yell at him. Now if you saw me in the hospital...my mind couldn't focus on squat...I couldn't read a book, I couldn't watch a tv show, I couldn't play a game on my phone. My ability to focus was shot and let's not even bring up memory....a lot of things are fuzzy from the first few days. The Neurosurgeon came in, talked to me for a few minutes and told me to ask two questions of PT when I saw them later in the day. Then he walked out. I yelled "STOP!" he turned around and looked at me and said what? I said in a teacher voice I'm sure...You want me to ask questions of other people but my brain isn't working and there's no way I'll remember them. Get back in here and tell me again so I can write them down. He listened...He walked back in, leaned against the wall and went over the questions with me again. Then with a laugh he asked if there was anything else I needed. I said nope, have a good day. To this day, I think that story will stick with me forever.
Constant stream of people again. It was nice to have everyone in and out to keep from focusing on pain, or discomfort or the unknown. But on the other hand, I was exhausted, but couldn't sleep. and PT came again....still ugly walking and couldn't walk as far as I did the day before. And yet another person comes in and tells me I'm heading to the rehab floor tomorrow. great. Whatever that means, people around me seemed surprised that they were moving me as quick as they were...to me, it seemed normal. It's Friday night...not a fun night, a nurse I never did learn her name seemed to be in my room all night long because I was miserable...too hot, too uncomfortable, too stiff, no relief from the pain pump, no relief from anything. She found me a fan, she checked on me all night long, she helped me roll over and over and over and over...pretty scary thought when you can't roll over in bed on your own.
Sat morning rolls around...didn't get much sleep and then was told that I can't go to rehab with the pain pump. So they said to try not to use it. (when you tell me to try not to do something, I just don't do it...solely to prove a point.) so I went cold turkey off the pain pump at 9 in the morning. here's the problem...there was no plan in place for a different source of pain control....hmmm. slight problem maybe? the other problem was I was still on a catheter.... and they pulled that before I moved floors too. (I'm still not sure what ended up being the worse of the two....) I washed my face for the first time since getting to the hospital. They moved all my stuff and then moved me.
New floor. New doctor responsible for me. New bracelet on my wrist. New nurses. Crappy TV. Had to get new meds for pain. New meds for pain caused nausea. Nausea called for more new meds... see a circle here? ugly day.
oh wait.... I did get a shower (Sat or Sun? I do not know). Glorious shower. First shower in days. and the bandage came off my back. Of course I couldn't see it. So a friend took a picture...holy cow! My entire back seemed to be a row of staples, with a short row to the side. (yes I still have the picture if you want to see it....it's not very pretty but it is pretty cool :))
Sat night....friends and family are at the hockey game (where I was supposed to be). Friends and Family at the LOG Agape Celebration (where I also was supposed to be). and where am I? in the hospital, by myself, in pain, and miserable. I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand why my pain was as high as it was, I didn't understand why my friends and family were out having fun while I couldn't. All I could think about was what I was missing. People texted all night, updates from the game, pictures and videos from the celebration, just checking in. Those texts were a double-edged sword. While people were keeping me distracted (which I asked for), I was in tears because every single text reminded me of what I couldn't do now. And this was the first that fact had hit. I couldn't even roll over in bed, how on earth was I going to go to another hockey game? How could I work with the high schoolers I love? How could I be independent and live on my own? What the hell was I going to do?
The rest of the weekend was a blur. one major moment stands out and I honestly have no clue when during the weekend it occurred but a friend comes to visit that actually got my mother to leave....(my mother hovered and wanted to fix everything but couldn't...not much fun!) A friend that understood the workings of the hospital, that understood being a patient, that brought a shit ton of stuff to entertain me (I still love the microphone!), that just let me relax and not 'put on the show' of being a good patient. I needed her that day more than I ever knew and only realized as time has gone by.
The plan is to start PT in the morning...this means PT, OT, and whatever else. Hours of these things. And I can't roll myself over in bed. How on earth is this going to work? And I can't pee...so after days of misery of being straight cathetered I threw a fit and made them put the foley back in. I wasn't going to handle that pain of being flat on my back any longer. And talk about body functions....mine still weren't working. Can't pee. Can't poop. Can't walk. Can't get out of bed without help. Can't roll over in my bed without help. Can't take pain meds without massive amounts of nausea. (can you imagine throwing up just after having back surgery? I couldn't!) ...see all the can'ts? Needless to say...another night of little sleep.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
the beginning
Almost 5 months ago, I went through a life changing experience that I would never wish on any of my friends and family. I went from having what I considered a pulled muscle in my back to having emergency back surgery after losing feeling and function from the waist down. It's taken me almost 5 months to be able to sit down and write about it and the lessons I've learned through this long and amazing experience. The pain, the fear, the lack of control, and the unknown are just a few of the things that I've worked through and dealt with. This would not have been possible without the people, the prayers, and just the plain stubbornness to make it all better. Through this, I'm learning that what I always considered normal may never be normal again. That's part of the unknown. Nerves and healing don't have an exact pattern, sequence or expectation... and we just have to wait and see what will happen while doing everything possible to get back to 'normal' life. Fortunately...things continue to go well. I was blessed beyond belief with the way things occurred, the people put into my life, and the recovery I've had so far.
The days leading up to the big event were not much fun. I was hurting but really had no clue I was hurting as bad as I was. Or that I was as hurt as I was. I thought I had a pulled muscle...that bugged me for a month because I wouldn't take the time off. Then came that fateful tuesday morning....pulled 3 times on a rower at the gym. Locked up my whole right leg. There was no way I'd be able to work out, so I headed home. The pain was awful, tears flowing, curses flying, and I couldn't find relief anywhere. Tried foam rolling it, tried icing it, tried heat, everything I tried...nothing worked. I've never been in such pain...and what do I do? Of course, I suck it up and head to work. (granted I continually texted a friend who happened to be a doctor for suggestions....none of those worked either...) Couldn't find relief anywhere in any shape or form so I head to work...I'm a teacher. Can you picture teaching a class full of students when you're in enough pain that you can't function very well? That's what I did....granted I had to stop twice on my drive to school....I couldn't even sit for 35 minutes in the car. I knew at that point that I was in trouble...little did I know how much trouble. Got to school and said I'm leaving at lunch. Find someone to teach this afternoon or get it covered. I was not going to last the day. I left plans for the afternoon and the next day...just in case...(little did I know that would be the last time I was teaching in my classroom for 12 weeks). I headed home...not sure what I expected because I wasn't getting relief from the pain at all, but being home had to be better than trying to teach...right?
(Now for a long side note that will make this next section make more sense...I avoid going to the doctor.... nothing wrong with doctors but I don't go to them. If I'd been really sick, I'd hit urgent care or the walkin clinic....but that had to be SICK SICK for me to even go there. Like I had been twice in 10 years... see what's coming?)
So...on the way home, I tried calling the doctor I had last seen....12ish years ago. And yes, by now I've been in ridiculous amounts of pain for going on 7 hours....I was a little impatient. Didn't get the immediate answers I wanted, so I text my friend who's a doctor...what are my options...here's what I've done all day etc. Needless to say, I ended up in his office and am now a patient. (I don't like doctor's offices, I don't like being in pain, I really don't like the two in combo!) We came up with a plan. We start to follow that plan. That night, my right foot falls asleep...I don't think twice. Meds should have made me sleepy and didn't. Again, the clues looking back are red flags....at the time didn't think much of them. Woke up in the middle of the night with the worst charlie horse in my hamstring. I actually think I woke up screaming. Took a muscle relaxer (no other idea what to do) and went back to sleep. and WOKE up again 3 hours later with a worse charlie horse than before. Now, even I know the red flags going off. Get a new prescription for a new med to try. And my right foot is still asleep. and yes I didn't think twice about driving, I just did it. Get home again, Try to find relief somewhere, somehow, no luck. Now a new symptom appears....right calf firing like crazy...shaking blankets it's firing so bad. Didn't hurt but one weird sensation that's for sure!
Next step, got into PT for an appointment....most of my right leg is asleep now. And I couldn't bend over to tie my shoe...on my right foot. While filling out paperwork, the rest of my right leg falls asleep as does my butt! Now, slightly entertaining I'm sure to watch me walk with a numb leg. (Again, I didn't think how am I supposed to do this, I just did it. Luckily I didn't drive and had my mother driving me) While in PT, she tried calling the doc 3 times because symptoms had changed so rapidly...at this point I knew something was really wrong but really had no clue what I was in for. Head home after PT, to my parents house, I knew something wasn't right and I wasn't sure I wanted to be home alone. While trying to watch TV/nap, my left leg started to fall asleep. I knew we were in trouble. Got a message from the doc saying they'd call tomorrow, we needed to do some testing and get pictures. I expected this. What I didn't expect was when I tried to use the bathroom in the evening....Couldn't feel anything. No feeling. No function. That's when I knew this was major major. Text the doctor. respond to doc. Next thing, my phone rings....it's the doctor saying head to ER you're having surgery. I'll call it in. or something to the extent. Panic sets in. Fear sets in. Up until now, I knew things weren't right but I wasn't afraid. I knew we'd figure it out and fix it. Then that phone call. That's one that will be stuck in my memory forever.
Mom throws somethings in a bag because I told them we needed to head to the hosiptall, I was going to have surgery. I was spookily calm and collected during this time. I had been reassured by my doctor (notice I now call the doc, my doctor?) that we were acting quickly since my symptoms were changing quickly. Oh yeah, both legs are pretty much numb...and i walk out to the car without help. How you ask? No clue. I just did it. On the way to the hosiptal, my mother asks... Are you sure this doctor knows what he's saying? Do you trust him this much? my answer was a calm yes. At this point, I knew I was having surgery. I knew it was my only option. Get dropped at the door of the ER. I WALK in....yup still walking with no feeling, not sure how I knew my legs would work...but they did. Great care in the ER...quickly got me settled into a room and everyone was jumping. That also gave me a clue that things were way serious! Quickly got me off to an MRI or two....and yeah, picture lying flat on your back when that hurts and not being able to move? for two MRIs? not much fun.....I actually made them stop between the MRI's and move pillows because I was so uncomfortable. Amazing that I had the nerve to make them move me midway through but that as you will see stuck with me through this whole process :)
Back to the ER room. In walks the neurosurgeon who says a few things.... they are prepping or. you're 32 years old, if you want any hope of recovery you're having suregery tonight. My response, OK. again calm, collected, and relaxed. My mother on the other hand, not so much! A moment of clarity in the midst of chaos....they told I had to strip everything off (granted just about everything was gone already, just panties left.) so as I am laying on the bed I wiggle them off and they get stuck on my right foot. I look at my mother and say you have to grab them from there because I can't get to them or get them off my foot. I think that's when the seriousness really set in for her. I don't think she had realized how rough off I was. I didn't help the situation because I thought it was rather funny that I couldn't get to my foot :) (and no, I had not taken any medications since like lunchtime) Then comes the quick transition to getting ready to head to the OR....more needles, people, etc. We get up to the OR...hug my mother who isn't holding it together too well...and they start attaching wires and sensors and who knows what else to me all over my body. They asked me what music I wanted to listen to...I said it didn't matter, whatever the surgeon wanted was good with me. And then I was out.
So...there's the presurgery story. as crazy and amazing as it was. no time for research or homework. no time for planning. texting people who needed to know (um...I am a teacher and obviously wouldn't be in the classroom the next few days...) it was choas. but I was calm. I knew I was in good hands.
The days leading up to the big event were not much fun. I was hurting but really had no clue I was hurting as bad as I was. Or that I was as hurt as I was. I thought I had a pulled muscle...that bugged me for a month because I wouldn't take the time off. Then came that fateful tuesday morning....pulled 3 times on a rower at the gym. Locked up my whole right leg. There was no way I'd be able to work out, so I headed home. The pain was awful, tears flowing, curses flying, and I couldn't find relief anywhere. Tried foam rolling it, tried icing it, tried heat, everything I tried...nothing worked. I've never been in such pain...and what do I do? Of course, I suck it up and head to work. (granted I continually texted a friend who happened to be a doctor for suggestions....none of those worked either...) Couldn't find relief anywhere in any shape or form so I head to work...I'm a teacher. Can you picture teaching a class full of students when you're in enough pain that you can't function very well? That's what I did....granted I had to stop twice on my drive to school....I couldn't even sit for 35 minutes in the car. I knew at that point that I was in trouble...little did I know how much trouble. Got to school and said I'm leaving at lunch. Find someone to teach this afternoon or get it covered. I was not going to last the day. I left plans for the afternoon and the next day...just in case...(little did I know that would be the last time I was teaching in my classroom for 12 weeks). I headed home...not sure what I expected because I wasn't getting relief from the pain at all, but being home had to be better than trying to teach...right?
(Now for a long side note that will make this next section make more sense...I avoid going to the doctor.... nothing wrong with doctors but I don't go to them. If I'd been really sick, I'd hit urgent care or the walkin clinic....but that had to be SICK SICK for me to even go there. Like I had been twice in 10 years... see what's coming?)
So...on the way home, I tried calling the doctor I had last seen....12ish years ago. And yes, by now I've been in ridiculous amounts of pain for going on 7 hours....I was a little impatient. Didn't get the immediate answers I wanted, so I text my friend who's a doctor...what are my options...here's what I've done all day etc. Needless to say, I ended up in his office and am now a patient. (I don't like doctor's offices, I don't like being in pain, I really don't like the two in combo!) We came up with a plan. We start to follow that plan. That night, my right foot falls asleep...I don't think twice. Meds should have made me sleepy and didn't. Again, the clues looking back are red flags....at the time didn't think much of them. Woke up in the middle of the night with the worst charlie horse in my hamstring. I actually think I woke up screaming. Took a muscle relaxer (no other idea what to do) and went back to sleep. and WOKE up again 3 hours later with a worse charlie horse than before. Now, even I know the red flags going off. Get a new prescription for a new med to try. And my right foot is still asleep. and yes I didn't think twice about driving, I just did it. Get home again, Try to find relief somewhere, somehow, no luck. Now a new symptom appears....right calf firing like crazy...shaking blankets it's firing so bad. Didn't hurt but one weird sensation that's for sure!
Next step, got into PT for an appointment....most of my right leg is asleep now. And I couldn't bend over to tie my shoe...on my right foot. While filling out paperwork, the rest of my right leg falls asleep as does my butt! Now, slightly entertaining I'm sure to watch me walk with a numb leg. (Again, I didn't think how am I supposed to do this, I just did it. Luckily I didn't drive and had my mother driving me) While in PT, she tried calling the doc 3 times because symptoms had changed so rapidly...at this point I knew something was really wrong but really had no clue what I was in for. Head home after PT, to my parents house, I knew something wasn't right and I wasn't sure I wanted to be home alone. While trying to watch TV/nap, my left leg started to fall asleep. I knew we were in trouble. Got a message from the doc saying they'd call tomorrow, we needed to do some testing and get pictures. I expected this. What I didn't expect was when I tried to use the bathroom in the evening....Couldn't feel anything. No feeling. No function. That's when I knew this was major major. Text the doctor. respond to doc. Next thing, my phone rings....it's the doctor saying head to ER you're having surgery. I'll call it in. or something to the extent. Panic sets in. Fear sets in. Up until now, I knew things weren't right but I wasn't afraid. I knew we'd figure it out and fix it. Then that phone call. That's one that will be stuck in my memory forever.
Mom throws somethings in a bag because I told them we needed to head to the hosiptall, I was going to have surgery. I was spookily calm and collected during this time. I had been reassured by my doctor (notice I now call the doc, my doctor?) that we were acting quickly since my symptoms were changing quickly. Oh yeah, both legs are pretty much numb...and i walk out to the car without help. How you ask? No clue. I just did it. On the way to the hosiptal, my mother asks... Are you sure this doctor knows what he's saying? Do you trust him this much? my answer was a calm yes. At this point, I knew I was having surgery. I knew it was my only option. Get dropped at the door of the ER. I WALK in....yup still walking with no feeling, not sure how I knew my legs would work...but they did. Great care in the ER...quickly got me settled into a room and everyone was jumping. That also gave me a clue that things were way serious! Quickly got me off to an MRI or two....and yeah, picture lying flat on your back when that hurts and not being able to move? for two MRIs? not much fun.....I actually made them stop between the MRI's and move pillows because I was so uncomfortable. Amazing that I had the nerve to make them move me midway through but that as you will see stuck with me through this whole process :)
Back to the ER room. In walks the neurosurgeon who says a few things.... they are prepping or. you're 32 years old, if you want any hope of recovery you're having suregery tonight. My response, OK. again calm, collected, and relaxed. My mother on the other hand, not so much! A moment of clarity in the midst of chaos....they told I had to strip everything off (granted just about everything was gone already, just panties left.) so as I am laying on the bed I wiggle them off and they get stuck on my right foot. I look at my mother and say you have to grab them from there because I can't get to them or get them off my foot. I think that's when the seriousness really set in for her. I don't think she had realized how rough off I was. I didn't help the situation because I thought it was rather funny that I couldn't get to my foot :) (and no, I had not taken any medications since like lunchtime) Then comes the quick transition to getting ready to head to the OR....more needles, people, etc. We get up to the OR...hug my mother who isn't holding it together too well...and they start attaching wires and sensors and who knows what else to me all over my body. They asked me what music I wanted to listen to...I said it didn't matter, whatever the surgeon wanted was good with me. And then I was out.
So...there's the presurgery story. as crazy and amazing as it was. no time for research or homework. no time for planning. texting people who needed to know (um...I am a teacher and obviously wouldn't be in the classroom the next few days...) it was choas. but I was calm. I knew I was in good hands.
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