dealing with the unexpected

One thing that I have continued to have to deal with is the unexpected.  The unexpected changes in what my body does.  The unexpected changes in feeling throughout my leg.  The unexpected makes it place known not just within my body but throughout my life too.  The unexpected deadline that is given 24 hours ahead of time.  The unexpected reaction from a student.  The unexpected expectation given for an event.  Not to mention personal life.  

For those that know me well, I like to plan things out.  I like to be organized and I know what I am doing at least a few hours ahead of time.  Crossfit drives me nuts.  ( and I love Crossfit...just not the unknown part!)  I don't know what the workout will be until an hour ahead of the workout...if i get up and look early.  otherwise I don't know until I get to the box, that doesn't work well for me.  I also don't like not knowing what modifications I'm going to have to do.  the unknown and unexpected is scary and not my fave.

So much of my daily life deals with the unexpected.  No matter how much I plan, how much I'm organized, how much I prepare, my students will not react the way I want them to.  My body will not react the way I want it to.  sometimes, the unexpected is good.  Sometimes, the unexpected is an outstanding surprise.  I can always hope.  but I'm learning to deal with it.  I'm learning to hide the anxiety and stress it causes me.  I'm learning to figure out what is important about being so organized and planned out.  Some of the best times recently have come spur of the moment and unplanned.  I just need to let go and let thing happen as they happen.  It's just a struggle.  I want to control what I can.  I lost so much control over my own life a year ago.  I couldn't control my body.  I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do.  I couldn't live on my own.  So my reaction to losing all control over everything was to over control what I could.  I recorded every med I took every time...even tylenol.  I over planned when I was to do what I wanted to.  I'm hopeful that as time goes on and I have control back over so many things that I can now start to let go a little and relax about what I'm doing.  (hasn't happened yet!)  

I'm just beginning to see how much the loss of control has affected me long term.  I think it's part of the reason I like being a teacher...I am the one in control in the classroom...to an extent.  Yes the kids guide the instruction and the attitude of the day but I'm the one in charge.  I'm responsible for what is or isn't happening in my classroom.  

The whole life challenge has helped me control with accountability what I am doing and when.  It has helped me to organize my life and make myself feel more in control... even when I'm really not.  

I want to control as much as I can but the unexpected always gets in the way.  The unexpected feeling.  the unexpected emotion.  the unexpected reality that is life.  

hard work?!?

A comment was made to me today while I was working out in the pool.  A therapist that I had seen multiple times throughout recovery and I were just chatting.  (He wasn't one of my PT's but I tend to talk to everyone ;) )  We revisited what happened and what I was working on in the pool.  He looked surprised after hearing abut cauda equina syndrome and how well I was actually moving around.  Then he was even more surprised hearing it's only been a year.  His comment was it must have taken a lot of hard work to get back to where I am. 

Looking back, I don't see it as a lot of hard work.  I don't remember putting hard work in.  I know that I put work and effort in but don't really look at it as hard work.   Maybe my definition of hard work is different than everyone else's.  Yes, I've put a lot of work in.  Yes, originally I couldn't do a lot of things.  I couldn't walk without a walker.  I couldn't do stairs by myself.  I couldn't walk in the pool without holding onto the railing.  Just because I couldn't do it then didn't mean I wasn't going to do it some day.  I just kept working and trying it every day.  I'm sure I put a lot of hours in but it wasn't hard.  At least I didn't classify it as hard.  I saw it was necessary.  I had to be doing something.  I couldn't just sit there and hope I would heal.  I had to do something.  I had to be active (as much as I could).  Did I push myself?  Yes.  Did I expect my PT's to push me?  Yes!    

Looking back it wasn't hard,  it was what it was.  I didn't know any other way to go about it.

Looking back, I was positive about everything.  What other option was there?  People are surprised by how positive I stayed throughout the whole process.  Even those that got my little bit of negativity here and there because there were definitely days that I was negative, comment about how positive I stayed.  

Again.  It was what it was.  I didn't know any other way to go about it.  I couldn't change what happened.  I couldn't change how my body was reacting.  I couldn't change anything.  I had to accept and keep going.  so  I did.  and I still am.  

I now know what it feels like to be old and arthritic.  cold weather is no fun.  but the workout in the warm water pool feels great.  so guess what...I'll be spending a lot of time in the warm water pool this winter :)  

one year.

One year.  It’s been one full year since surgery.  At that point, I never even looked forward a year, never thought about what a year out would look like.  I was more worried about the now.  What is happening today.  What will happen tomorrow.  What will happen next.  I’m excited that it’s been a full year.  I’m excited that I’m continuing to move forward.  I’m proud of the work I’ve put in, Proud of the way I’ve dealt with all the challenges, proud of the person I am becoming.  Life has definitely changed over the last year and continues to change going forward but hopefully I have developed coping mechanisms to cope with the challenges ahead.

I’ve learned a lot in a year.  I’ve learned a lot about myself, my friends, my family.  I never thought of the ways things would turn out or the things that would change. 

5:30 peeps- Thank you.  You each have been there in many different ways and have been there as a collective group.  I never thought I’d rely on your friendships the way I do.  You have become sources of calm, strength, patience, laughter, and you pick me up on a regular basis.  Thank you for letting me be part of the group and for becoming an important part of my life.  Never could I have predicted the way our friendships have grown and become what they are today.

Coach- You put up with my whining, you put up with having to change just about everything for me, and you never complain!  Thanks for being there to make sure I don’t hurt myself, I try new things, and I continue to get a good workout.  Thank you for your friendship!  Not to mention the number of times I come in not in peak condition to workout.  You steadfastly continue to work on me to make better life choices and I appreciate the time, effort, energy and friendship.

L- Thank you for giving me the gift of feeling again.  For reminding me that I am a complete person and I get to live life and not just live in the post surgery mindset.  Thank you for your reminders that life does not revolve around what my back and surgery made me go through...keep reminding me!

To my doctor…wow.  Never thought you’d get what you got when you took me on as a patient!  I hope you know how much of a difference you have made through this process and in my life.  You answer every question (small, huge, odd, dumb, awkward, and just plain off the wall) with never making me feel dumb for not knowing the answer.  You set an example of the importance of doing things for me while working at balancing everything else.  I appreciate your knowledge, your patience, your support and your friendship! 

J and H-  You continue to deal with me and our friendships have lasted the test of time.  You’ve been there to take me out when I couldn’t walk, to give me a break, and to just listen.  Thank you for just being yourselves and loving me for being me!

C- we’ve been through a lot over the years.  Never did I think we would get to the point of both of us being out at the same time and relying on each other to struggle the absence of work.  I appreciate your help on a regular basis, your willingness to do the silly, the goofy, and the difficult whenever we need to.  You make my daily life a little easier each and every day.  Thank you for letting me not be the strong one all the time.

J- we may be apart by distance but you've stood by my side more times than I can count through this last year.  Thank you for being there.  Thank you for being you, it wouldn't be the same without you!

So many people have been there through the last year.  So many prayers have been said.  So many cards have been sent.  So much support.  Overwhelming for someone not used to having to receive the support but used to giving it. 

I'm beginning to look at my surgery as a gift.  A gift that nobody wants but everyone benefits from.  I feel that I look at life a little differently and value people and experiences more than things.  I want to be there for others the way they were there for me.  For friends to come visit in the hospital more than once even though their busy lives were full without the added time meant more than they know.  The cards that poured in meant more than people know.  A reminder to me on how important life is and it doesn't have to be major things to cause us mindfulness about others.

sharing of myself

I'm normally a pretty private person.  or so I used to be.  I'm totally a person that 'talks' through things with different people.  Many people are there for me in many different ways.  I rely on lots of perspectives and advice from those around me.  I process things in one of two ways.  I talk it out.  My feelings, my thoughts, my understandings.  or I totally internalize it.  Not a word slips out.  No sharing no openess no outside opinion.

As I've gone through this last year of surgery, recovery, healing, etc I've begun to open myself more and more.  I've begun to share more of myself without that ridiculous fear of regret or reproach.  As it was recently my birthday, I wanted to look forward to this year and make it a year of opportunity.  A year of experience.  A year of growing.  In reality, my birthday doesn't seem near as important in life as my one year anniversary of surgery is.  Surgery anniversary is when I really looked at life differently.  I had the fear of major life change that I had no control over.  That I might not be 'normal' ever again.  That would I have to change my life majorly and without control.  Luckily, I am very fortunate.  I'd be considered a success story for most of the medical community.  I'm not happy with that though.  I want to be a success story to myself.  I want to be back to 'normal'.  I want my life back and do what I want to do when I want to do it.  I don't want the nagging fear that I'm going to do something to hurt myself.  That fear is starting to fade but it's still in the back of my mind.  What happens when I move wrong?  How can I hurt myself again?  Can I make my challenges worse?

I want to share my thinking.  I want to share my fears.  I want to share my life.  
Thank you to those who listen now.  Thank you to those who accept me now.  Thank you to those who are there now.  Thank you to those who pick me up when I am down.  Thank you to those who are not afraid of my tears.  my fears.  my stresses.  

meaning of family

Twice now, I’ve been told by family members that I am an inspiration to them.  That my continued patience and hard work has been inspiring.  How else would I actually deal with this?  What did they expect?  Of course I will keep working.  Of course I will keep doing what I need to do to make myself better than I was the day before.  I want my movement back.  I want my normal back.  Did they expect me to curl up in a ball and cry?  (Granted there have been a few of those days…but my friends have picked me up, dusted me off, and snapped me back to reality.)  Yes it is a time commitment.  Yes it is reprioritizing what’s important.  Yes it is difficult.  I don’t know what other option there would be though.  This is how I face life.  Bull by horns, what I need to do is what I do. 

My mother hurt her knee two months ago.  She’s still dealing with limited movement and having to do PT exercises.  And yes, she’s tired of it.  But she told me that I am her inspiration as I am 11 months since surgery…give or take a little and I’m still willing to put the work in.  I’m still making the time to do pool work.  I’m still positive and finding the time to rest my body while still working, spending time with family, spending time with friends, and doing what I want to.  She said if you can do it the therapy work this long, I can keep going.  Would I have ever thought that I would be an inspiration to my own mother?  That this is experience would give her inspiration?  That the stress and frustration of all that has happened in the last year would lead to inspiration?  Never. 

Getting a text message late one night saying “You’re an inspiration to me and I don’t know if I ever told you.  Your attitude in your recovery alone gives me something to aspire to!” was soul shocking and emotional for me.  While I’m close with my family, these are not normal kinds of things we say.  I didn’t know how to respond.  That text struck me as an affirmation for the attitude and work I’ve put in.  It gave me the confidence that he would always have my back.  That if I needed him, he’d be there.  Still shocking to think that my family thinks that about each other. 

How do I let them know how much I needed them and they were there?  How do I say thank you without it being awkward and uncomfortable?  I lean on my friends more than on my family or so I thought.  This shows me that I lean on my family more than I realized and we are important to each other.

an important discovery

One week ago something very important happened.  Something I never expected to happen.  Something I put on the back burner for the time being or indefinitely.  It wasn’t important to me.  There was so much other more important things going on for me to worry about.  For me to wonder about it.  For me to focus on.  Needless to say, I was not expecting what happened.  I was not expecting this. 

In recovery, I had pelvic floor PT.  (yes, my pelvic floor took awhile to come back which meant some important functions took awhile to come back.  That’s what happens when you lose the ability to pee or poop.)  As my pelvic floor PT and I were talking, she talked about sexual function.  And in reality, I totally blew her off and said that’s so not important or a worry right now.  She looked a little surprised but let me blow it off.  Reality was, I still couldn’t pee…that was the worry.  Not if I’d feel anything again.  Self-cathing isn’t bad but it’s not much fun either.  (Yes, I know, Total overshare but I’m really good at the right now ;)  good news, bowel and bladder both came back. 

As the year has progressed, I’ve flirted but haven’t had anyone really spark that interest or interaction.  Too many other worries and not enough confidence to even think about dating, hanging out or anything else.  My body still sometimes feel foreign to me, doesn’t move the way I want it to, doesn’t react the way I expect it to etc.  If I’ve got all that going on, how on earth am I supposed to focus on a guy? 

Fast forward all summer.  Fast forward to a guy I’ve met before.  Fast forward to someone totally out of my league.  Fast forward to someone I’ve always loved to flirt with.  Fast forward to the interest being returned.  Fast forward to an amazing evening of interaction ;) 

All of sudden, I’m thrown off the back burner and back into the fire.  Let me tell you, my body works the way it is supposed to.  The fear of it not….the worry that something wouldn’t…the stress of loss of feeling…..yeah.  I can relax now.  Amazing the freedom it has given me this week.  Amazing the confidence it has given me.  I can be attractive and interesting to someone.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve gone through surgery.  It doesn’t matter that I experienced losing feeling.  It doesn’t matter that my I experienced incomplete paraplegia.  (Yes, scary words.)  I can be a whole person.  Never thought it would really matter.  Never thought I was as stressed over it as I was.  Never thought this guy would come out of the woodwork.  Never thought I was in his league.  And come to find out, I’m incredibly playful.  I’m incredibly flirty and totally inappropriate and I’m loving it!  A new side.  A side of me I never expected to come back, not to mention taking it farther than before. 

It’s time to branch out.  It’s time to be confident.  It’s time to get back to all parts of life.  It’s time to be thankful for what I’ve gone through, to be thankful for the people that have come into the crazy to lift me up, lend me a hand, and bring me back to my new normal.  It’s time to be me!

Things I Miss

I realize on a regular basis that there are little things and big things that I miss being able to do.  It's odd when some of them hit me and it's frustrating when something hit me.  It's just sorting things out into my new 'normal'.  Hopefully, I'll be able to do a lot of these things again or they will just become second nature to not even think about anymore.

1.  Sitting on a couch.  Seems simple...but I sit down and go OWWWW.  Then I have to grab a pillow or two to put behind me.  No more curling up without thinking.  I'm always hopeful that this will change, but I'm starting to think I'll always second guess sitting on a couch or comfy chair.

2. Running.  Now to understand that weirdness of this, I never liked to run.  Except in college when I used it to escape from roommates, stress, work, etc.  That was the only time I actually liked to run.  At night.  Across campus along the river.  Yes, not always the smartest safest thing to do... but it kept me sane...or at least mostly sane.  And there was no way my roommates would even think about running so it was me time.  BUT.  Now that I can't run currently, I miss it.  I want to run and can't.  I really think it's just because I can't.  I was starting to run again and it felt good.  It felt really good to move freely and actually run.  Then my leg/ankle/nerves started acting up more...or I felt them more.  Any way that you look at it, running doesn't work very well.

3.  Doing a complete work out.  Yes, I have accomplished some.  Yes, I have to modify EVERYTHING.  Yes, I'm at the point of being frustrated by it.  Even with modifications, my body couldn't handle doing the number of rounds I thought I could do today.  That's when it's frustrating.  That my body still just doesn't work the way I want it to.

4.  Having an internal temperature control.  Nowadays, I can't get warm or I can't cool off.  Or or or.  Needless to say, it's not much fun when I can't control the temperature of my body.

5.  Getting through a day without having to take a nap or feel like I need a nap.  i know it sounds awful, that I'm whining about taking naps.  But when you feel like you can't make it through a day without a nap, it's frustrating.  And when I do nap, I'll try to sleep for 30 min or 45 min and I shut the alarm off and sleep for 2+ hours.  That's frustrating.  But then I sleep all night too.  

6.  Feeling like I have no control over my own body.  Nerves are a pain.  Literally.  Nerves regenerating are a pain.  And they have a mind of their own.  And I have no clue when they are going to do whatever they want to do.  so these muscles will spasm, these toes will spasm, these muscles will twitch, those muscles will twitch, that ankle will feel like cement blocks hitting each other, and the list just goes on.  

7.  Wearing heels.