Waiting. Wishing. Wondering.

5 years.  That’s how long I’ve been waiting.  Waiting to be normal.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting for what could happen next.  Have I been living or waiting?  I like to think I’ve been living my life but I know in the back of my mind I’ve been waiting.  Waiting for the next issue to occur.  Waiting for the pain to show up again.  Waiting to run out of patience with the little annoyances.  Just waiting.  5 years.  5 years since I couldn’t walk.  5 years from the immense unknown.  Yes I’m still living in the unknown but at least it’s familiar now.  I have an idea of what to expect.  I know when my body is unhappy and when it will make me pay.  I know when it’s unhappy and will be fine.  

Waiting. Wishing.  Wishing I had my old life back.  Wishing I had the chance to see what things I could have really done.  Wishing I could do things without thinking twice.  Wishing I didn’t need the downtime I do now.  Wishing I could wear any shoes I wanted to.  Wishing my life was back to what it was. 

Would I change it?  Would I change the last 5 years?  I wouldn’t.  I’ve learned to ask for help.  I’ve learned to give myself grace.  I’ve learned to say no to things.  I’ve learned to take time off.  I’ve learned how strong I really am.  I’ve learned how independent I am and how hard it is to ask for help or accept that I can’t do it all.  The little frustrations and annoyances show me how far I’ve come, how much effort and work I’ve put in.  It shows me how much I’ve relied on my friends and family.  

Waiting.  Wishing.  And now I wonder.  I wonder what is next in my story.  I wonder if I’ll go through this again.  I wonder if I’m strong enough to deal daily with the issues.  I wonder what will change as time goes on.  I wonder what challenges and triumphs are to come.  I wonder if the people who have stuck with me this long will continue to.  

I wait, I wish, I wonder.