meaning of family

Twice now, I’ve been told by family members that I am an inspiration to them.  That my continued patience and hard work has been inspiring.  How else would I actually deal with this?  What did they expect?  Of course I will keep working.  Of course I will keep doing what I need to do to make myself better than I was the day before.  I want my movement back.  I want my normal back.  Did they expect me to curl up in a ball and cry?  (Granted there have been a few of those days…but my friends have picked me up, dusted me off, and snapped me back to reality.)  Yes it is a time commitment.  Yes it is reprioritizing what’s important.  Yes it is difficult.  I don’t know what other option there would be though.  This is how I face life.  Bull by horns, what I need to do is what I do. 

My mother hurt her knee two months ago.  She’s still dealing with limited movement and having to do PT exercises.  And yes, she’s tired of it.  But she told me that I am her inspiration as I am 11 months since surgery…give or take a little and I’m still willing to put the work in.  I’m still making the time to do pool work.  I’m still positive and finding the time to rest my body while still working, spending time with family, spending time with friends, and doing what I want to.  She said if you can do it the therapy work this long, I can keep going.  Would I have ever thought that I would be an inspiration to my own mother?  That this is experience would give her inspiration?  That the stress and frustration of all that has happened in the last year would lead to inspiration?  Never. 

Getting a text message late one night saying “You’re an inspiration to me and I don’t know if I ever told you.  Your attitude in your recovery alone gives me something to aspire to!” was soul shocking and emotional for me.  While I’m close with my family, these are not normal kinds of things we say.  I didn’t know how to respond.  That text struck me as an affirmation for the attitude and work I’ve put in.  It gave me the confidence that he would always have my back.  That if I needed him, he’d be there.  Still shocking to think that my family thinks that about each other. 

How do I let them know how much I needed them and they were there?  How do I say thank you without it being awkward and uncomfortable?  I lean on my friends more than on my family or so I thought.  This shows me that I lean on my family more than I realized and we are important to each other.

an important discovery

One week ago something very important happened.  Something I never expected to happen.  Something I put on the back burner for the time being or indefinitely.  It wasn’t important to me.  There was so much other more important things going on for me to worry about.  For me to wonder about it.  For me to focus on.  Needless to say, I was not expecting what happened.  I was not expecting this. 

In recovery, I had pelvic floor PT.  (yes, my pelvic floor took awhile to come back which meant some important functions took awhile to come back.  That’s what happens when you lose the ability to pee or poop.)  As my pelvic floor PT and I were talking, she talked about sexual function.  And in reality, I totally blew her off and said that’s so not important or a worry right now.  She looked a little surprised but let me blow it off.  Reality was, I still couldn’t pee…that was the worry.  Not if I’d feel anything again.  Self-cathing isn’t bad but it’s not much fun either.  (Yes, I know, Total overshare but I’m really good at the right now ;)  good news, bowel and bladder both came back. 

As the year has progressed, I’ve flirted but haven’t had anyone really spark that interest or interaction.  Too many other worries and not enough confidence to even think about dating, hanging out or anything else.  My body still sometimes feel foreign to me, doesn’t move the way I want it to, doesn’t react the way I expect it to etc.  If I’ve got all that going on, how on earth am I supposed to focus on a guy? 

Fast forward all summer.  Fast forward to a guy I’ve met before.  Fast forward to someone totally out of my league.  Fast forward to someone I’ve always loved to flirt with.  Fast forward to the interest being returned.  Fast forward to an amazing evening of interaction ;) 

All of sudden, I’m thrown off the back burner and back into the fire.  Let me tell you, my body works the way it is supposed to.  The fear of it not….the worry that something wouldn’t…the stress of loss of feeling…..yeah.  I can relax now.  Amazing the freedom it has given me this week.  Amazing the confidence it has given me.  I can be attractive and interesting to someone.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve gone through surgery.  It doesn’t matter that I experienced losing feeling.  It doesn’t matter that my I experienced incomplete paraplegia.  (Yes, scary words.)  I can be a whole person.  Never thought it would really matter.  Never thought I was as stressed over it as I was.  Never thought this guy would come out of the woodwork.  Never thought I was in his league.  And come to find out, I’m incredibly playful.  I’m incredibly flirty and totally inappropriate and I’m loving it!  A new side.  A side of me I never expected to come back, not to mention taking it farther than before. 

It’s time to branch out.  It’s time to be confident.  It’s time to get back to all parts of life.  It’s time to be thankful for what I’ve gone through, to be thankful for the people that have come into the crazy to lift me up, lend me a hand, and bring me back to my new normal.  It’s time to be me!

Things I Miss

I realize on a regular basis that there are little things and big things that I miss being able to do.  It's odd when some of them hit me and it's frustrating when something hit me.  It's just sorting things out into my new 'normal'.  Hopefully, I'll be able to do a lot of these things again or they will just become second nature to not even think about anymore.

1.  Sitting on a couch.  Seems simple...but I sit down and go OWWWW.  Then I have to grab a pillow or two to put behind me.  No more curling up without thinking.  I'm always hopeful that this will change, but I'm starting to think I'll always second guess sitting on a couch or comfy chair.

2. Running.  Now to understand that weirdness of this, I never liked to run.  Except in college when I used it to escape from roommates, stress, work, etc.  That was the only time I actually liked to run.  At night.  Across campus along the river.  Yes, not always the smartest safest thing to do... but it kept me sane...or at least mostly sane.  And there was no way my roommates would even think about running so it was me time.  BUT.  Now that I can't run currently, I miss it.  I want to run and can't.  I really think it's just because I can't.  I was starting to run again and it felt good.  It felt really good to move freely and actually run.  Then my leg/ankle/nerves started acting up more...or I felt them more.  Any way that you look at it, running doesn't work very well.

3.  Doing a complete work out.  Yes, I have accomplished some.  Yes, I have to modify EVERYTHING.  Yes, I'm at the point of being frustrated by it.  Even with modifications, my body couldn't handle doing the number of rounds I thought I could do today.  That's when it's frustrating.  That my body still just doesn't work the way I want it to.

4.  Having an internal temperature control.  Nowadays, I can't get warm or I can't cool off.  Or or or.  Needless to say, it's not much fun when I can't control the temperature of my body.

5.  Getting through a day without having to take a nap or feel like I need a nap.  i know it sounds awful, that I'm whining about taking naps.  But when you feel like you can't make it through a day without a nap, it's frustrating.  And when I do nap, I'll try to sleep for 30 min or 45 min and I shut the alarm off and sleep for 2+ hours.  That's frustrating.  But then I sleep all night too.  

6.  Feeling like I have no control over my own body.  Nerves are a pain.  Literally.  Nerves regenerating are a pain.  And they have a mind of their own.  And I have no clue when they are going to do whatever they want to do.  so these muscles will spasm, these toes will spasm, these muscles will twitch, those muscles will twitch, that ankle will feel like cement blocks hitting each other, and the list just goes on.  

7.  Wearing heels.  

a rough day

Change is not much fun.  In the last however long it's been, it seems like that's all that has come my way.  change at work, change at home, change at the gym, change in health, change in nerves, change change change.  Can you tell I really don't like change?

In reality, I don't think it's change that's the problem.  It's that change brings the unknown.  I really really really really don't like the unknown.  I like to over think everything.  I like to think of every possible response to every possible situation.  I also like to think that I know the way something will go.  (Ha Ha...I know it won't happen the way I think it should ;))  

We are at the start of a new school year.  EVERYTHING is changing this year.  new people.  new materials.  new ideas.  new kids.  nothing seems to be consistent.   nothing seems to be known.  i don't do well with this situation.  :(  

add in the unknown with my body and I'm just a royal mess.  I can hold it together for awhile in the group setting but trying to accomplish anything on top of that is just pointless.  Trying to make a decision after holding it together by the skin of my teeth all day long means that dinner is a disaster....cereal?  starbucks?  alcohol?  nope just forget to eat in general....that can happen one day....but 2 or 4 in a row isn't pretty.  

Today was a good day during the day.  Had to sit in training for all day long....but then the evening occurred.  Tried to figure out what is going on for tomorrow's meetings....that i should technically help lead, and I got no where and no understanding of what will happen tomorrow.  So now I feel unprepared, unorganized, and it's still unknown.  No matter how hard I tried to prepare...it just wasn't going to happen.  Add in debating on whether or not to start a new med for my stupid toes so maybe they won't hurt so much so often when I totally don't want a new med and I don't know how my body will react but also know my tolerance level is past the point of dealing.  

All in all, I'm just grouchy, frustrated, and afraid of the unknown.  and I'm surrounded by the unknown.

9 months and counting

It's hard to believe that it's been just over 9 months since surgery.  It's been a whirlwind journey and sadly, we're not even close to it being over :-/  

The positives:

~the friendships that have been made stronger through this process.  I don't know how I would have made it through without my core group.  I'm incredibly fortunate with the community surrounding me and my core group has grown and changed in ways I wouldn't have expected but it's been a source of strength and comfort for me.

~the amount I've learned about my own body and healing process.  I've learned to listen when something isn't right and I know when I need to do something about it.  I've learned how my body reacts to new things.  I've learned that sometimes I have to trust myself and just do it.  My body will work.

~the amount of time spent in the gym/pool/working out.  I've been more controlled in my workouts, I've been more dedicated, I've been more confident in what I'm doing.  I'm enjoying the group workout and making sure I work out independently to focus on myself and still work on rehab work as I don't want to lose what I've gained in control and work.

~I've got lots back in the way of movement, bending, working movement etc.  I can do way more than I expected to.  I'm back to working out and at a decent level for only being 9 months out.

~a doctor I trust.  One of the scariest parts of this process is the unknown.  and to have a doctor that I trust has made it easier.  He'll be honest, he'll listen, and he'll help.  Even when I'm worried about the little things or overwhelmed.  

~I've learned a lot.  About myself, my friends, my family.  

The Negatives:

~stupid nerves.  Nerves that are regenerating.  Nerves that we don't know when or what they'll do next.  FYI...Nerves back = pain.  new pain regularly.  unknown pain.  unknown issue.  feels like a guessing game most of the time.  How long can I deal with something til it's too much?  How often do I deal with something til it's past too much?

~unable to lift heavy.  Still can get a good workout.  Just can't do the weights I used to.  I can't and I won't and I have to accept that....sometime.

~scared to do too much, to hurt myself again. (that says it all)

~the unknown...this is one of the big ones.  the unknown.  This process of healing has a lot of unknown to it.  If it was just the spinal fusion surgery...it'd be a lot more known to.  The complication of Cauda Equina Syndrome makes it all unknown.  Makes it about the nerves and nerves are still so unknown.  So I deal with new symptoms til they drive me nuts.  But there is no step by step process to nerves.  I don't like the unknown.  

I have to keep looking at the positives or I get stuck in the negatives.  I get weighed down and stressed and forget to see what I've gained through all of this.  So the lesson is Look to the Positives.  

stepping outside my comfort zone

Ever get to the point were you do the same thing over and over again and never push your limit or see what you can actually do?  Of course this happens everywhere and in all parts of life.  Family time, work, friend time, workouts, etc.  I think everyone gets to this point at some point or another.  It just varies on when, where and how hard it hits.

Since it's summer....it's of course happening for me.  I have the time to think, to ponder, to worry, to recharge and to wonder about what I could actually be doing.  The place I'm most frustrated with is crossfit which makes no sense to me and seems really odd.  That's the point of crossfit, workouts are all different, moves change, style of work out changes etc.  So how am I so frustrated?  Part of it comes from recovery from surgery.  Yes we are almost 8 months (HOLY COW) since surgery but I still can't do everything I want to do....yes I know, I won't ever be able to do somethings again....but I am still limited on what I can do.  So I do a lot of the same movements, over and over and over again (or so it feels like right now).  

I love my friends at crossfit.  It's a great group of people, they help me to be a better person, they lift me up when I'm down, they listen when I need to talk, they let me grouchy when I'm grouchy.....I also know they are there are regardless of what I do.  They were a big reason I pushed to get back to crossfit as soon as I did after surgery.  I needed to be there, to be supported by them, to prove that it's not so bad I can come back.  I've been back for 3 months now and I feel like I'm in a rut.  I feel like I'm going, working out, not pushing myself, not doing as much as I can.  Since the group has been there since surgery, they know I have to be careful but I'm able to do a lot.  

I wonder how much of my frustration is because I don't know that I'm pushing myself as much  as I can.  How much is because I'm comfortable with my group I work out with and I don't have to push my limits.  I wonder if I'm going to work out just for the social aspect.  I've been thinking, why do I continue to crossfit.  I've made the friends, we're still friends outside the box.  Do I really need to crossfit?  Or is there something that would fit me better at this time?  (SEE...way too much time to think on my hands)  

So I'm taking the rest of the summer to challenge myself.  I'm not going to my normal class on a regular basis.  I need to rediscover why Crossfit works for me, what I like about it, Why I continue to do it.  I need to know that it's more than just the social aspect.  I need to know that I can step outside my comfort zone, I can workout with people that I don't know as well.  I can complete workouts and push my limits a little bit each day.  

my comfort zone...early morning workouts with the same strong group of friends.  It's time to push past the comfort zone, to push myself, to see what I can do...physically.  socially.  emotionally.  

confident? who me?!?

Throughout this whole series of events...injury, surgery, recovery, teaching, healing, trauma and drama at school, whole life challenge, etc I've learned something about myself.  Actually I'm sure that I've learned lots of things about myself but one thing is sticking out like a sore thumb and is somewhat of a surprise to me.  Maybe it's not a surprise to others but it is a difference in how I've been viewing myself. 

Confidence in myself is not a strong suit for me.  Never has been.  I've always doubted what I'm wearing, what I'm saying, what people are thinking about me, what my reaction to things are. etc.  Put me in front of a bunch of kids and I know what I'm doing and how to do it.  Put me in a group of adults and I have no clue about what I'm doing or how to do it.  I've been good at acting confident and acting like I know what's going on.  I've done that my whole life.  In reality, I'm always wondering what on earth I am doing, Why am I worrying about everything and why does it matter what other people think?

Not only am I noticing more confidence in myself, I'm noticing that I'm not as worried about what everyone else thinks about me.  I'm not overly concerned about what people will think of what I'm wearing, what I'm doing, or what I'm saying.  I am busy just being me.  10 months ago, put me at the gym and I'm in semi-fitted capris, lose t-shirts, etc.  Nothing real fitted.  Just maybe I'll try a fitted pair of capris to work out in, no way would you catch me in shorts, no way a fitted shirt.  Now, I don't worry about what I look like at the gym, either gym.  I wear what is clean and comfortable.  Some days it's fitted capri's and tanks.  Other days is long pants and long sleeves.  It doesn't matter what others think, it's what I want to wear.  

While I still deal with some anxiety about what what others are thinking about me, I try to not worry about it.  The worst is when it's a) a group of people where I'll know no one or b) a group of people that I know in one situation but am not sure how another situation will be.  There are few people who merge across of groups in my world for good reason :)  I like to keep things separate so I know how to act and what is expected of me.  Teachers will expect me to be one way, workout friends will expect another etc.  In reality, they are probably close to being the same but in my world, I like to keep my groups separate!