Waiting. Wishing. Wondering.

5 years.  That’s how long I’ve been waiting.  Waiting to be normal.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting for what could happen next.  Have I been living or waiting?  I like to think I’ve been living my life but I know in the back of my mind I’ve been waiting.  Waiting for the next issue to occur.  Waiting for the pain to show up again.  Waiting to run out of patience with the little annoyances.  Just waiting.  5 years.  5 years since I couldn’t walk.  5 years from the immense unknown.  Yes I’m still living in the unknown but at least it’s familiar now.  I have an idea of what to expect.  I know when my body is unhappy and when it will make me pay.  I know when it’s unhappy and will be fine.  

Waiting. Wishing.  Wishing I had my old life back.  Wishing I had the chance to see what things I could have really done.  Wishing I could do things without thinking twice.  Wishing I didn’t need the downtime I do now.  Wishing I could wear any shoes I wanted to.  Wishing my life was back to what it was. 

Would I change it?  Would I change the last 5 years?  I wouldn’t.  I’ve learned to ask for help.  I’ve learned to give myself grace.  I’ve learned to say no to things.  I’ve learned to take time off.  I’ve learned how strong I really am.  I’ve learned how independent I am and how hard it is to ask for help or accept that I can’t do it all.  The little frustrations and annoyances show me how far I’ve come, how much effort and work I’ve put in.  It shows me how much I’ve relied on my friends and family.  

Waiting.  Wishing.  And now I wonder.  I wonder what is next in my story.  I wonder if I’ll go through this again.  I wonder if I’m strong enough to deal daily with the issues.  I wonder what will change as time goes on.  I wonder what challenges and triumphs are to come.  I wonder if the people who have stuck with me this long will continue to.  

I wait, I wish, I wonder.  

The little things matter.

I realize that more and more as time goes on.  The little things in life matter more than a lot of the big things.  The text to check on you after a friend knows how exhausted you’ve been.  The card that just says hi I miss you.  The hug that says Happy New Year.  The twinkle of a light on a Christmas tree.  The feel of an arm wrapped around you while laying on the couch.  The handwritten note from a student saying I missed you.  The angel for the top of my tree so I’d have something on the top.  The quote given to me to tell me what I do matters.  The waking up to no alarm and no pressure.  Holding a plank for 10 seconds longer than the time before.  The texts that just make you smile throughout the day.  The unconditional love of a dog.  The Thank You a friend says. 

When the routine changes and the schedule changes and things feel out of control, it’s the little things that make a difference.  It’s the people and the things they do and say that matter.  It’s not things.  It’s not stuff.  It’s not tangible. 

It’s knowing that we matter.  We matter to the people we love and that love us.  We matter to our friends.  We matter to our colleagues.  We matter to our families.  Why is it so hard to tell the people that matter to us that they matter?  Why do we think they will just know?  We show it in so many ways but we rarely think about saying it.  Not everyone ‘speaks’ the same language of love.  For some, they need to hear the words.  For some, it’s the language of touch.  We need to make sure people know they matter in their language.  That puts us out of our comfort zone if our languages don’t match.  It makes the risk higher.  Why is it such a risk to tell someone they matter?  To tell them what they do matters.  We can’t assume that people know they matter.  They might know they matter and then have one of those days where nothing goes right and they feel down.  They sink and just a few little words can make a big difference.      

Fell of the face of the earth

Well...It's been over a year since my last post.  It's been an interesting year and things are constantly changing.  makes me wonder if there will ever be  a new level of normal?  Not sure I can handle the constant sense of change and the never being completely sure of what is going to happen.  

Reactions aren't the same.  Progress is slow and steady until I push too hard and then I go backwards...what's that saying...2 steps forward and 3 steps back?  Seems like that has been my last year.  

It's time for me to accept what's what.  Accept what's going to happen will and I won't have a ton of control in the situation.  Time for me to realize that it's all about how I face the adversity instead of preventing the adversity.

A couple of goals.  Be present.  BE PRESENT.  not glued to technology.  not wishing I was elsewhere.  not wondering why i'm missing out on everything.  Make the most of what I can with the ones I want to.  Be Intentional in my choices, my interactions, my time, my life.  Make the people I choose to spend time realize that they matter.  They are important.  They are a gift to me and my life.  Blog a bit more.....Like a lot more.  I miss the outlet.  I miss the sharing of myself without the having to do it in person.  Need to get back to it.  

One Little Word

A friend of mine introduced me to the One Little Word concept last year.  Basically it’s picking a word that speaks to you and seeing how it works in your life for the year.  Last year I picked the word “enough”.  I am enough.  I have enough.  It was recently after surgery and I had to be happy with what I had.  I wasn’t going out and living my normal life.  I wasn’t doing all the things I loved.  I had to remember that I was enough.  What I could do was enough.  I didn’t need to get the newest and biggest and best things.  What I had was enough.  It was also a great help in purging and decluttering all of the stuff I had collected over the years.  I continue to remind myself that I have enough and to remove stuff on a regular basis instead of letting everything pile up and be overwhelming.  It was a great way to focus my life throughout the year and see the impact one little word can have.

This year I picked a new word.  I picked the word ‘accept’.  I am looking forward to seeing how this little word impacts my life this year.  I have to accept the things I cannot change.  I have to accept the things that happen; good, bad and ugly.  I need to accept what I have, what I am, who I am and who I care about.  There are many things in my life that I don’t have control over.  I still don’t get to control everything I want to.  I still struggle to control as much as I can.  I need to accept that I can handle not being in control.  I will accept the things I can do and stop worrying about the things I can’t.  

What word will speak to you this year?

Experience is life.

There are some experiences that I never want to have again.  There are some experiences that I would love to have again.  There are many experiences that fall in the middle.  I could go either way on having a repeat or not.  I particularly don’t want to repeat any times that my heart has been hurt.  I could handle physical pain again.  I could handle going through my back experience again.  I don’t think I could handle going through the hurt that comes when trust is broken.  I don’t think I can handle getting hurt over and over again.

I fear being hurt in many ways.  I fear mental pain and emotional pain.  Physical pain is a symptom of something else going on in my life.  Physical pain has never been the worry or the fear for me.  I supposed that physical pain has been a part of my life by being a rough and tumble active kid growing with brothers to being an athlete and farm girl.  I’m always pulling something, cutting something, or doing something.  Granted….extreme physical pain like the day before back surgery is something I don’t want to repeat but I think that I would prefer that over emotional pain. 

Normally after being hurt…I build the walls.  High, thick, indestructible.  Burn me once and I’m done with you.  Hurt me once and it’s hard to get back in.  I’ve been burned and hurt enough that I avoid letting people into my world.  As soon as I start to do that again…Something happens to hurt me.  Looking at my life right now, there are a lot of people who are ‘in’ my circle.  That I trust.  That I lean on.  That I need.  Many that are there aren’t there because I picked them to be there.  They broke through the walls without me even realizing it.  (530 peeps…. J) 

I’m trying to not put up my walls again.  I’m trying to stay positive and relaxed.  I’m trying to find the good in the situation.  On the other hand…I want to be petty and bash him.  I want to say it’s all guys and they are just awful.  Reality is, we were there for each other when we both needed something.  What we both needed…who knows.  I for one am happy for the experience and while it’s a little rough right now and there are certain things I miss, I am thankful for the experience.  I am thankful for the patience.  I am thankful for the caring.  I am thankful for the friendship.  I am thankful to know that if I needed something I could ask. 

I have to remember that in order to have the experience I have to be open to it.  I have to be willing to get hurt in order to experience the good.  I would miss out on the quiet times, the laying on the couch relaxing.  I would miss out on the friendship and the trust.  I would miss out on being introduced to new things.  Is it worth it?  Yes it is.  And I have to remember that. 

“Always be willing to laugh, think and consider.  Pick your battles and celebrate your victories.  Embrace your losses and know that they will only make you better.  Enjoy each and every moment and never close yourself off to any person, idea, or experience.” 

–Anne Marie Carroll

being told the truth

Ever hear that telling the truth hurts?  How about hearing the truth?  Let me tell you, it hurts too.  One thing I always ask of people is to tell me the truth…the simple things such as that outfit looks awful on you all the way to the big things, you are making a huge mistake in doing that etc.  I don’t always want to hear the truth and I don’t always listen to the truth but I’m always hoping and expecting people to tell me the truth.

Hearing the truth hurts.  Being told the truth isn’t any of fun.  But in the big picture, it’s a hell of a lot better than being lied to.  It’s a hell of a lot better than a lot of things.

I’m glad that I’ve noticed how much I’ve grown as a person in hearing the truth today.  I’m surprised by how much it hurts but my first reaction wasn’t to get angry.  It wasn’t to badmouth the whole thing.  It was to turn to ice cream or alcohol or chocolate.  Luckily I realized that and found a better alternative.  (I ran to work out J)  I found a self-medication that is good for me long run…As long as I don’t over do it!  And of course I hit the coffee shop for writing and coffee!

I’m surprisingly not angry about the truth I heard today.  I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised.  It wasn’t what I was expecting but I am a better person for hearing it today.  I’m a better person for listening and being open to actually hearing the truth instead of trying to make things all better.   I’m a better person for accepting the truth as it was told to me.  Accepting the choices that others make while respecting the honesty in telling the truth.

Life isn’t a bunch of roses.  Life doesn’t always smell or look pretty.  What matters are the people you surround yourself with, the people you lean on, the people you trust.  They will be there for the good and the bad.  They will be there to tell you the truth…even when it hurts.

dealing with the unexpected

One thing that I have continued to have to deal with is the unexpected.  The unexpected changes in what my body does.  The unexpected changes in feeling throughout my leg.  The unexpected makes it place known not just within my body but throughout my life too.  The unexpected deadline that is given 24 hours ahead of time.  The unexpected reaction from a student.  The unexpected expectation given for an event.  Not to mention personal life.  

For those that know me well, I like to plan things out.  I like to be organized and I know what I am doing at least a few hours ahead of time.  Crossfit drives me nuts.  ( and I love Crossfit...just not the unknown part!)  I don't know what the workout will be until an hour ahead of the workout...if i get up and look early.  otherwise I don't know until I get to the box, that doesn't work well for me.  I also don't like not knowing what modifications I'm going to have to do.  the unknown and unexpected is scary and not my fave.

So much of my daily life deals with the unexpected.  No matter how much I plan, how much I'm organized, how much I prepare, my students will not react the way I want them to.  My body will not react the way I want it to.  sometimes, the unexpected is good.  Sometimes, the unexpected is an outstanding surprise.  I can always hope.  but I'm learning to deal with it.  I'm learning to hide the anxiety and stress it causes me.  I'm learning to figure out what is important about being so organized and planned out.  Some of the best times recently have come spur of the moment and unplanned.  I just need to let go and let thing happen as they happen.  It's just a struggle.  I want to control what I can.  I lost so much control over my own life a year ago.  I couldn't control my body.  I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do.  I couldn't live on my own.  So my reaction to losing all control over everything was to over control what I could.  I recorded every med I took every time...even tylenol.  I over planned when I was to do what I wanted to.  I'm hopeful that as time goes on and I have control back over so many things that I can now start to let go a little and relax about what I'm doing.  (hasn't happened yet!)  

I'm just beginning to see how much the loss of control has affected me long term.  I think it's part of the reason I like being a teacher...I am the one in control in the classroom...to an extent.  Yes the kids guide the instruction and the attitude of the day but I'm the one in charge.  I'm responsible for what is or isn't happening in my classroom.  

The whole life challenge has helped me control with accountability what I am doing and when.  It has helped me to organize my life and make myself feel more in control... even when I'm really not.  

I want to control as much as I can but the unexpected always gets in the way.  The unexpected feeling.  the unexpected emotion.  the unexpected reality that is life.