Experience is life.

There are some experiences that I never want to have again.  There are some experiences that I would love to have again.  There are many experiences that fall in the middle.  I could go either way on having a repeat or not.  I particularly don’t want to repeat any times that my heart has been hurt.  I could handle physical pain again.  I could handle going through my back experience again.  I don’t think I could handle going through the hurt that comes when trust is broken.  I don’t think I can handle getting hurt over and over again.

I fear being hurt in many ways.  I fear mental pain and emotional pain.  Physical pain is a symptom of something else going on in my life.  Physical pain has never been the worry or the fear for me.  I supposed that physical pain has been a part of my life by being a rough and tumble active kid growing with brothers to being an athlete and farm girl.  I’m always pulling something, cutting something, or doing something.  Granted….extreme physical pain like the day before back surgery is something I don’t want to repeat but I think that I would prefer that over emotional pain. 

Normally after being hurt…I build the walls.  High, thick, indestructible.  Burn me once and I’m done with you.  Hurt me once and it’s hard to get back in.  I’ve been burned and hurt enough that I avoid letting people into my world.  As soon as I start to do that again…Something happens to hurt me.  Looking at my life right now, there are a lot of people who are ‘in’ my circle.  That I trust.  That I lean on.  That I need.  Many that are there aren’t there because I picked them to be there.  They broke through the walls without me even realizing it.  (530 peeps…. J) 

I’m trying to not put up my walls again.  I’m trying to stay positive and relaxed.  I’m trying to find the good in the situation.  On the other hand…I want to be petty and bash him.  I want to say it’s all guys and they are just awful.  Reality is, we were there for each other when we both needed something.  What we both needed…who knows.  I for one am happy for the experience and while it’s a little rough right now and there are certain things I miss, I am thankful for the experience.  I am thankful for the patience.  I am thankful for the caring.  I am thankful for the friendship.  I am thankful to know that if I needed something I could ask. 

I have to remember that in order to have the experience I have to be open to it.  I have to be willing to get hurt in order to experience the good.  I would miss out on the quiet times, the laying on the couch relaxing.  I would miss out on the friendship and the trust.  I would miss out on being introduced to new things.  Is it worth it?  Yes it is.  And I have to remember that. 

“Always be willing to laugh, think and consider.  Pick your battles and celebrate your victories.  Embrace your losses and know that they will only make you better.  Enjoy each and every moment and never close yourself off to any person, idea, or experience.” 

–Anne Marie Carroll