dealing with the unexpected

One thing that I have continued to have to deal with is the unexpected.  The unexpected changes in what my body does.  The unexpected changes in feeling throughout my leg.  The unexpected makes it place known not just within my body but throughout my life too.  The unexpected deadline that is given 24 hours ahead of time.  The unexpected reaction from a student.  The unexpected expectation given for an event.  Not to mention personal life.  

For those that know me well, I like to plan things out.  I like to be organized and I know what I am doing at least a few hours ahead of time.  Crossfit drives me nuts.  ( and I love Crossfit...just not the unknown part!)  I don't know what the workout will be until an hour ahead of the workout...if i get up and look early.  otherwise I don't know until I get to the box, that doesn't work well for me.  I also don't like not knowing what modifications I'm going to have to do.  the unknown and unexpected is scary and not my fave.

So much of my daily life deals with the unexpected.  No matter how much I plan, how much I'm organized, how much I prepare, my students will not react the way I want them to.  My body will not react the way I want it to.  sometimes, the unexpected is good.  Sometimes, the unexpected is an outstanding surprise.  I can always hope.  but I'm learning to deal with it.  I'm learning to hide the anxiety and stress it causes me.  I'm learning to figure out what is important about being so organized and planned out.  Some of the best times recently have come spur of the moment and unplanned.  I just need to let go and let thing happen as they happen.  It's just a struggle.  I want to control what I can.  I lost so much control over my own life a year ago.  I couldn't control my body.  I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do.  I couldn't live on my own.  So my reaction to losing all control over everything was to over control what I could.  I recorded every med I took every time...even tylenol.  I over planned when I was to do what I wanted to.  I'm hopeful that as time goes on and I have control back over so many things that I can now start to let go a little and relax about what I'm doing.  (hasn't happened yet!)  

I'm just beginning to see how much the loss of control has affected me long term.  I think it's part of the reason I like being a teacher...I am the one in control in the classroom...to an extent.  Yes the kids guide the instruction and the attitude of the day but I'm the one in charge.  I'm responsible for what is or isn't happening in my classroom.  

The whole life challenge has helped me control with accountability what I am doing and when.  It has helped me to organize my life and make myself feel more in control... even when I'm really not.  

I want to control as much as I can but the unexpected always gets in the way.  The unexpected feeling.  the unexpected emotion.  the unexpected reality that is life.  

hard work?!?

A comment was made to me today while I was working out in the pool.  A therapist that I had seen multiple times throughout recovery and I were just chatting.  (He wasn't one of my PT's but I tend to talk to everyone ;) )  We revisited what happened and what I was working on in the pool.  He looked surprised after hearing abut cauda equina syndrome and how well I was actually moving around.  Then he was even more surprised hearing it's only been a year.  His comment was it must have taken a lot of hard work to get back to where I am. 

Looking back, I don't see it as a lot of hard work.  I don't remember putting hard work in.  I know that I put work and effort in but don't really look at it as hard work.   Maybe my definition of hard work is different than everyone else's.  Yes, I've put a lot of work in.  Yes, originally I couldn't do a lot of things.  I couldn't walk without a walker.  I couldn't do stairs by myself.  I couldn't walk in the pool without holding onto the railing.  Just because I couldn't do it then didn't mean I wasn't going to do it some day.  I just kept working and trying it every day.  I'm sure I put a lot of hours in but it wasn't hard.  At least I didn't classify it as hard.  I saw it was necessary.  I had to be doing something.  I couldn't just sit there and hope I would heal.  I had to do something.  I had to be active (as much as I could).  Did I push myself?  Yes.  Did I expect my PT's to push me?  Yes!    

Looking back it wasn't hard,  it was what it was.  I didn't know any other way to go about it.

Looking back, I was positive about everything.  What other option was there?  People are surprised by how positive I stayed throughout the whole process.  Even those that got my little bit of negativity here and there because there were definitely days that I was negative, comment about how positive I stayed.  

Again.  It was what it was.  I didn't know any other way to go about it.  I couldn't change what happened.  I couldn't change how my body was reacting.  I couldn't change anything.  I had to accept and keep going.  so  I did.  and I still am.  

I now know what it feels like to be old and arthritic.  cold weather is no fun.  but the workout in the warm water pool feels great.  so guess what...I'll be spending a lot of time in the warm water pool this winter :)  

one year.

One year.  It’s been one full year since surgery.  At that point, I never even looked forward a year, never thought about what a year out would look like.  I was more worried about the now.  What is happening today.  What will happen tomorrow.  What will happen next.  I’m excited that it’s been a full year.  I’m excited that I’m continuing to move forward.  I’m proud of the work I’ve put in, Proud of the way I’ve dealt with all the challenges, proud of the person I am becoming.  Life has definitely changed over the last year and continues to change going forward but hopefully I have developed coping mechanisms to cope with the challenges ahead.

I’ve learned a lot in a year.  I’ve learned a lot about myself, my friends, my family.  I never thought of the ways things would turn out or the things that would change. 

5:30 peeps- Thank you.  You each have been there in many different ways and have been there as a collective group.  I never thought I’d rely on your friendships the way I do.  You have become sources of calm, strength, patience, laughter, and you pick me up on a regular basis.  Thank you for letting me be part of the group and for becoming an important part of my life.  Never could I have predicted the way our friendships have grown and become what they are today.

Coach- You put up with my whining, you put up with having to change just about everything for me, and you never complain!  Thanks for being there to make sure I don’t hurt myself, I try new things, and I continue to get a good workout.  Thank you for your friendship!  Not to mention the number of times I come in not in peak condition to workout.  You steadfastly continue to work on me to make better life choices and I appreciate the time, effort, energy and friendship.

L- Thank you for giving me the gift of feeling again.  For reminding me that I am a complete person and I get to live life and not just live in the post surgery mindset.  Thank you for your reminders that life does not revolve around what my back and surgery made me go through...keep reminding me!

To my doctor…wow.  Never thought you’d get what you got when you took me on as a patient!  I hope you know how much of a difference you have made through this process and in my life.  You answer every question (small, huge, odd, dumb, awkward, and just plain off the wall) with never making me feel dumb for not knowing the answer.  You set an example of the importance of doing things for me while working at balancing everything else.  I appreciate your knowledge, your patience, your support and your friendship! 

J and H-  You continue to deal with me and our friendships have lasted the test of time.  You’ve been there to take me out when I couldn’t walk, to give me a break, and to just listen.  Thank you for just being yourselves and loving me for being me!

C- we’ve been through a lot over the years.  Never did I think we would get to the point of both of us being out at the same time and relying on each other to struggle the absence of work.  I appreciate your help on a regular basis, your willingness to do the silly, the goofy, and the difficult whenever we need to.  You make my daily life a little easier each and every day.  Thank you for letting me not be the strong one all the time.

J- we may be apart by distance but you've stood by my side more times than I can count through this last year.  Thank you for being there.  Thank you for being you, it wouldn't be the same without you!

So many people have been there through the last year.  So many prayers have been said.  So many cards have been sent.  So much support.  Overwhelming for someone not used to having to receive the support but used to giving it. 

I'm beginning to look at my surgery as a gift.  A gift that nobody wants but everyone benefits from.  I feel that I look at life a little differently and value people and experiences more than things.  I want to be there for others the way they were there for me.  For friends to come visit in the hospital more than once even though their busy lives were full without the added time meant more than they know.  The cards that poured in meant more than people know.  A reminder to me on how important life is and it doesn't have to be major things to cause us mindfulness about others.