Things I Miss

I realize on a regular basis that there are little things and big things that I miss being able to do.  It's odd when some of them hit me and it's frustrating when something hit me.  It's just sorting things out into my new 'normal'.  Hopefully, I'll be able to do a lot of these things again or they will just become second nature to not even think about anymore.

1.  Sitting on a couch.  Seems simple...but I sit down and go OWWWW.  Then I have to grab a pillow or two to put behind me.  No more curling up without thinking.  I'm always hopeful that this will change, but I'm starting to think I'll always second guess sitting on a couch or comfy chair.

2. Running.  Now to understand that weirdness of this, I never liked to run.  Except in college when I used it to escape from roommates, stress, work, etc.  That was the only time I actually liked to run.  At night.  Across campus along the river.  Yes, not always the smartest safest thing to do... but it kept me sane...or at least mostly sane.  And there was no way my roommates would even think about running so it was me time.  BUT.  Now that I can't run currently, I miss it.  I want to run and can't.  I really think it's just because I can't.  I was starting to run again and it felt good.  It felt really good to move freely and actually run.  Then my leg/ankle/nerves started acting up more...or I felt them more.  Any way that you look at it, running doesn't work very well.

3.  Doing a complete work out.  Yes, I have accomplished some.  Yes, I have to modify EVERYTHING.  Yes, I'm at the point of being frustrated by it.  Even with modifications, my body couldn't handle doing the number of rounds I thought I could do today.  That's when it's frustrating.  That my body still just doesn't work the way I want it to.

4.  Having an internal temperature control.  Nowadays, I can't get warm or I can't cool off.  Or or or.  Needless to say, it's not much fun when I can't control the temperature of my body.

5.  Getting through a day without having to take a nap or feel like I need a nap.  i know it sounds awful, that I'm whining about taking naps.  But when you feel like you can't make it through a day without a nap, it's frustrating.  And when I do nap, I'll try to sleep for 30 min or 45 min and I shut the alarm off and sleep for 2+ hours.  That's frustrating.  But then I sleep all night too.  

6.  Feeling like I have no control over my own body.  Nerves are a pain.  Literally.  Nerves regenerating are a pain.  And they have a mind of their own.  And I have no clue when they are going to do whatever they want to do.  so these muscles will spasm, these toes will spasm, these muscles will twitch, those muscles will twitch, that ankle will feel like cement blocks hitting each other, and the list just goes on.  

7.  Wearing heels.  

a rough day

Change is not much fun.  In the last however long it's been, it seems like that's all that has come my way.  change at work, change at home, change at the gym, change in health, change in nerves, change change change.  Can you tell I really don't like change?

In reality, I don't think it's change that's the problem.  It's that change brings the unknown.  I really really really really don't like the unknown.  I like to over think everything.  I like to think of every possible response to every possible situation.  I also like to think that I know the way something will go.  (Ha Ha...I know it won't happen the way I think it should ;))  

We are at the start of a new school year.  EVERYTHING is changing this year.  new people.  new materials.  new ideas.  new kids.  nothing seems to be consistent.   nothing seems to be known.  i don't do well with this situation.  :(  

add in the unknown with my body and I'm just a royal mess.  I can hold it together for awhile in the group setting but trying to accomplish anything on top of that is just pointless.  Trying to make a decision after holding it together by the skin of my teeth all day long means that dinner is a disaster....cereal?  starbucks?  alcohol?  nope just forget to eat in general....that can happen one day....but 2 or 4 in a row isn't pretty.  

Today was a good day during the day.  Had to sit in training for all day long....but then the evening occurred.  Tried to figure out what is going on for tomorrow's meetings....that i should technically help lead, and I got no where and no understanding of what will happen tomorrow.  So now I feel unprepared, unorganized, and it's still unknown.  No matter how hard I tried to prepare...it just wasn't going to happen.  Add in debating on whether or not to start a new med for my stupid toes so maybe they won't hurt so much so often when I totally don't want a new med and I don't know how my body will react but also know my tolerance level is past the point of dealing.  

All in all, I'm just grouchy, frustrated, and afraid of the unknown.  and I'm surrounded by the unknown.

9 months and counting

It's hard to believe that it's been just over 9 months since surgery.  It's been a whirlwind journey and sadly, we're not even close to it being over :-/  

The positives:

~the friendships that have been made stronger through this process.  I don't know how I would have made it through without my core group.  I'm incredibly fortunate with the community surrounding me and my core group has grown and changed in ways I wouldn't have expected but it's been a source of strength and comfort for me.

~the amount I've learned about my own body and healing process.  I've learned to listen when something isn't right and I know when I need to do something about it.  I've learned how my body reacts to new things.  I've learned that sometimes I have to trust myself and just do it.  My body will work.

~the amount of time spent in the gym/pool/working out.  I've been more controlled in my workouts, I've been more dedicated, I've been more confident in what I'm doing.  I'm enjoying the group workout and making sure I work out independently to focus on myself and still work on rehab work as I don't want to lose what I've gained in control and work.

~I've got lots back in the way of movement, bending, working movement etc.  I can do way more than I expected to.  I'm back to working out and at a decent level for only being 9 months out.

~a doctor I trust.  One of the scariest parts of this process is the unknown.  and to have a doctor that I trust has made it easier.  He'll be honest, he'll listen, and he'll help.  Even when I'm worried about the little things or overwhelmed.  

~I've learned a lot.  About myself, my friends, my family.  

The Negatives:

~stupid nerves.  Nerves that are regenerating.  Nerves that we don't know when or what they'll do next.  FYI...Nerves back = pain.  new pain regularly.  unknown pain.  unknown issue.  feels like a guessing game most of the time.  How long can I deal with something til it's too much?  How often do I deal with something til it's past too much?

~unable to lift heavy.  Still can get a good workout.  Just can't do the weights I used to.  I can't and I won't and I have to accept that....sometime.

~scared to do too much, to hurt myself again. (that says it all)

~the unknown...this is one of the big ones.  the unknown.  This process of healing has a lot of unknown to it.  If it was just the spinal fusion surgery...it'd be a lot more known to.  The complication of Cauda Equina Syndrome makes it all unknown.  Makes it about the nerves and nerves are still so unknown.  So I deal with new symptoms til they drive me nuts.  But there is no step by step process to nerves.  I don't like the unknown.  

I have to keep looking at the positives or I get stuck in the negatives.  I get weighed down and stressed and forget to see what I've gained through all of this.  So the lesson is Look to the Positives.