sharing of myself

I'm normally a pretty private person.  or so I used to be.  I'm totally a person that 'talks' through things with different people.  Many people are there for me in many different ways.  I rely on lots of perspectives and advice from those around me.  I process things in one of two ways.  I talk it out.  My feelings, my thoughts, my understandings.  or I totally internalize it.  Not a word slips out.  No sharing no openess no outside opinion.

As I've gone through this last year of surgery, recovery, healing, etc I've begun to open myself more and more.  I've begun to share more of myself without that ridiculous fear of regret or reproach.  As it was recently my birthday, I wanted to look forward to this year and make it a year of opportunity.  A year of experience.  A year of growing.  In reality, my birthday doesn't seem near as important in life as my one year anniversary of surgery is.  Surgery anniversary is when I really looked at life differently.  I had the fear of major life change that I had no control over.  That I might not be 'normal' ever again.  That would I have to change my life majorly and without control.  Luckily, I am very fortunate.  I'd be considered a success story for most of the medical community.  I'm not happy with that though.  I want to be a success story to myself.  I want to be back to 'normal'.  I want my life back and do what I want to do when I want to do it.  I don't want the nagging fear that I'm going to do something to hurt myself.  That fear is starting to fade but it's still in the back of my mind.  What happens when I move wrong?  How can I hurt myself again?  Can I make my challenges worse?

I want to share my thinking.  I want to share my fears.  I want to share my life.  
Thank you to those who listen now.  Thank you to those who accept me now.  Thank you to those who are there now.  Thank you to those who pick me up when I am down.  Thank you to those who are not afraid of my tears.  my fears.  my stresses.  

meaning of family

Twice now, I’ve been told by family members that I am an inspiration to them.  That my continued patience and hard work has been inspiring.  How else would I actually deal with this?  What did they expect?  Of course I will keep working.  Of course I will keep doing what I need to do to make myself better than I was the day before.  I want my movement back.  I want my normal back.  Did they expect me to curl up in a ball and cry?  (Granted there have been a few of those days…but my friends have picked me up, dusted me off, and snapped me back to reality.)  Yes it is a time commitment.  Yes it is reprioritizing what’s important.  Yes it is difficult.  I don’t know what other option there would be though.  This is how I face life.  Bull by horns, what I need to do is what I do. 

My mother hurt her knee two months ago.  She’s still dealing with limited movement and having to do PT exercises.  And yes, she’s tired of it.  But she told me that I am her inspiration as I am 11 months since surgery…give or take a little and I’m still willing to put the work in.  I’m still making the time to do pool work.  I’m still positive and finding the time to rest my body while still working, spending time with family, spending time with friends, and doing what I want to.  She said if you can do it the therapy work this long, I can keep going.  Would I have ever thought that I would be an inspiration to my own mother?  That this is experience would give her inspiration?  That the stress and frustration of all that has happened in the last year would lead to inspiration?  Never. 

Getting a text message late one night saying “You’re an inspiration to me and I don’t know if I ever told you.  Your attitude in your recovery alone gives me something to aspire to!” was soul shocking and emotional for me.  While I’m close with my family, these are not normal kinds of things we say.  I didn’t know how to respond.  That text struck me as an affirmation for the attitude and work I’ve put in.  It gave me the confidence that he would always have my back.  That if I needed him, he’d be there.  Still shocking to think that my family thinks that about each other. 

How do I let them know how much I needed them and they were there?  How do I say thank you without it being awkward and uncomfortable?  I lean on my friends more than on my family or so I thought.  This shows me that I lean on my family more than I realized and we are important to each other.

an important discovery

One week ago something very important happened.  Something I never expected to happen.  Something I put on the back burner for the time being or indefinitely.  It wasn’t important to me.  There was so much other more important things going on for me to worry about.  For me to wonder about it.  For me to focus on.  Needless to say, I was not expecting what happened.  I was not expecting this. 

In recovery, I had pelvic floor PT.  (yes, my pelvic floor took awhile to come back which meant some important functions took awhile to come back.  That’s what happens when you lose the ability to pee or poop.)  As my pelvic floor PT and I were talking, she talked about sexual function.  And in reality, I totally blew her off and said that’s so not important or a worry right now.  She looked a little surprised but let me blow it off.  Reality was, I still couldn’t pee…that was the worry.  Not if I’d feel anything again.  Self-cathing isn’t bad but it’s not much fun either.  (Yes, I know, Total overshare but I’m really good at the right now ;)  good news, bowel and bladder both came back. 

As the year has progressed, I’ve flirted but haven’t had anyone really spark that interest or interaction.  Too many other worries and not enough confidence to even think about dating, hanging out or anything else.  My body still sometimes feel foreign to me, doesn’t move the way I want it to, doesn’t react the way I expect it to etc.  If I’ve got all that going on, how on earth am I supposed to focus on a guy? 

Fast forward all summer.  Fast forward to a guy I’ve met before.  Fast forward to someone totally out of my league.  Fast forward to someone I’ve always loved to flirt with.  Fast forward to the interest being returned.  Fast forward to an amazing evening of interaction ;) 

All of sudden, I’m thrown off the back burner and back into the fire.  Let me tell you, my body works the way it is supposed to.  The fear of it not….the worry that something wouldn’t…the stress of loss of feeling…..yeah.  I can relax now.  Amazing the freedom it has given me this week.  Amazing the confidence it has given me.  I can be attractive and interesting to someone.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve gone through surgery.  It doesn’t matter that I experienced losing feeling.  It doesn’t matter that my I experienced incomplete paraplegia.  (Yes, scary words.)  I can be a whole person.  Never thought it would really matter.  Never thought I was as stressed over it as I was.  Never thought this guy would come out of the woodwork.  Never thought I was in his league.  And come to find out, I’m incredibly playful.  I’m incredibly flirty and totally inappropriate and I’m loving it!  A new side.  A side of me I never expected to come back, not to mention taking it farther than before. 

It’s time to branch out.  It’s time to be confident.  It’s time to get back to all parts of life.  It’s time to be thankful for what I’ve gone through, to be thankful for the people that have come into the crazy to lift me up, lend me a hand, and bring me back to my new normal.  It’s time to be me!