stepping outside my comfort zone

Ever get to the point were you do the same thing over and over again and never push your limit or see what you can actually do?  Of course this happens everywhere and in all parts of life.  Family time, work, friend time, workouts, etc.  I think everyone gets to this point at some point or another.  It just varies on when, where and how hard it hits.

Since it's summer....it's of course happening for me.  I have the time to think, to ponder, to worry, to recharge and to wonder about what I could actually be doing.  The place I'm most frustrated with is crossfit which makes no sense to me and seems really odd.  That's the point of crossfit, workouts are all different, moves change, style of work out changes etc.  So how am I so frustrated?  Part of it comes from recovery from surgery.  Yes we are almost 8 months (HOLY COW) since surgery but I still can't do everything I want to do....yes I know, I won't ever be able to do somethings again....but I am still limited on what I can do.  So I do a lot of the same movements, over and over and over again (or so it feels like right now).  

I love my friends at crossfit.  It's a great group of people, they help me to be a better person, they lift me up when I'm down, they listen when I need to talk, they let me grouchy when I'm grouchy.....I also know they are there are regardless of what I do.  They were a big reason I pushed to get back to crossfit as soon as I did after surgery.  I needed to be there, to be supported by them, to prove that it's not so bad I can come back.  I've been back for 3 months now and I feel like I'm in a rut.  I feel like I'm going, working out, not pushing myself, not doing as much as I can.  Since the group has been there since surgery, they know I have to be careful but I'm able to do a lot.  

I wonder how much of my frustration is because I don't know that I'm pushing myself as much  as I can.  How much is because I'm comfortable with my group I work out with and I don't have to push my limits.  I wonder if I'm going to work out just for the social aspect.  I've been thinking, why do I continue to crossfit.  I've made the friends, we're still friends outside the box.  Do I really need to crossfit?  Or is there something that would fit me better at this time?  (SEE...way too much time to think on my hands)  

So I'm taking the rest of the summer to challenge myself.  I'm not going to my normal class on a regular basis.  I need to rediscover why Crossfit works for me, what I like about it, Why I continue to do it.  I need to know that it's more than just the social aspect.  I need to know that I can step outside my comfort zone, I can workout with people that I don't know as well.  I can complete workouts and push my limits a little bit each day.  

my comfort zone...early morning workouts with the same strong group of friends.  It's time to push past the comfort zone, to push myself, to see what I can do...physically.  socially.  emotionally.  

confident? who me?!?

Throughout this whole series of events...injury, surgery, recovery, teaching, healing, trauma and drama at school, whole life challenge, etc I've learned something about myself.  Actually I'm sure that I've learned lots of things about myself but one thing is sticking out like a sore thumb and is somewhat of a surprise to me.  Maybe it's not a surprise to others but it is a difference in how I've been viewing myself. 

Confidence in myself is not a strong suit for me.  Never has been.  I've always doubted what I'm wearing, what I'm saying, what people are thinking about me, what my reaction to things are. etc.  Put me in front of a bunch of kids and I know what I'm doing and how to do it.  Put me in a group of adults and I have no clue about what I'm doing or how to do it.  I've been good at acting confident and acting like I know what's going on.  I've done that my whole life.  In reality, I'm always wondering what on earth I am doing, Why am I worrying about everything and why does it matter what other people think?

Not only am I noticing more confidence in myself, I'm noticing that I'm not as worried about what everyone else thinks about me.  I'm not overly concerned about what people will think of what I'm wearing, what I'm doing, or what I'm saying.  I am busy just being me.  10 months ago, put me at the gym and I'm in semi-fitted capris, lose t-shirts, etc.  Nothing real fitted.  Just maybe I'll try a fitted pair of capris to work out in, no way would you catch me in shorts, no way a fitted shirt.  Now, I don't worry about what I look like at the gym, either gym.  I wear what is clean and comfortable.  Some days it's fitted capri's and tanks.  Other days is long pants and long sleeves.  It doesn't matter what others think, it's what I want to wear.  

While I still deal with some anxiety about what what others are thinking about me, I try to not worry about it.  The worst is when it's a) a group of people where I'll know no one or b) a group of people that I know in one situation but am not sure how another situation will be.  There are few people who merge across of groups in my world for good reason :)  I like to keep things separate so I know how to act and what is expected of me.  Teachers will expect me to be one way, workout friends will expect another etc.  In reality, they are probably close to being the same but in my world, I like to keep my groups separate!